Hello internet peeps. My name is Shawn and I will be your entertainment for the next 10 to 15 minutes (unless you have a reading impairment. Then I might be your entertainment for considerably longer. If thats the case: my condolences). Now some of you might be wondering “who the hell is this guy?” and you wanna know what? You shouldn’t be so aggressive with your line of questioning. A simple “Hi, who are you?” would have been much more appropriate. Thanks. Anyway, I post in the comment section here occasionally as ‘RoShaCla’ and am also known to post spam relating to the New Jersey Devils and Phoenix Coyotes in Puck Daddy’s comments under the name ‘Robert C’. I love hockey, herbal tea, 90′s DC post-hardcore, and kittens. Now onto the next logical question in the sequence: why am I posting here? Long story short: I internet stalked WAC until she told me I could make a post on her blog while she was off geeking it up in the wilderness of Washington. She seemed to correctly guess that if she didn’t find a way to distract me, my internet stalking would turn into real life stalking and down that path lies only madness. And by madness I mean that playing Mario Kart isn’t as much fun when someone is ‘mouth breathing’ over your shoulder and trying to figure out how to start a conversation (“So…how about that Tokarski? I hear he plays the butterfly. I caught a butterfly once. Your pretty.”) Nay, this is probably for the best.
My original intention was to use my time here to write a treatise about the USA’s broken health care system and then to write another about the evils of ferrets (carpet shark bastards), but then I realized part of my promise to Wrap was to actually write about hockey, so that all went out the window. Now, in an attempt to both stay within the scope of the blog and to trick the dame who runs it into thinking I actually know anything about hockey, I will be writing something about the WHL. Being that I am what you would call a “corporate hockey cabana boy”, this is no small feat. Bettman has got me in his pocket and I have only recently emerged to find that the hockey universe extends beyond the 30 teams of the NHL. Who knew? So now, with anyone still reading as my witness, I shal begin a journey into the very depths of the WHL. I will learn of the history, the pride, the heart, and the etc. of the league in the only rational way I know: by making fun of the team’s logos. Seeing as how I have a pocket degree in graphic design, I can think of few more qualified individuals for this task.
Brandon Wheat Kings
We open this feature by
presenting you with one of the lamest names for a professional sports
team I have ever seen. Naturally, a lame name is usually followed by
a lame logo; the Wheat Kings are no exception. While I do have to
give some props to the Wheat Kings management for hiring an actual
to design their logo rather than just having the owner’s 6 year old
draw one for them (see: the Kootenay Ice), I can’t help but feel this
would look more appropriate on a cereal box then on a hockey jersey.
In fact, if I were a more motivated person, I would photoshop that
logo onto a box of cornflakes, then hotlink it and BAM: instant
hilarity. However, since I am lazy, I will just reccomend that you
use your imagination.
The Hitmen are the beginning of a
distinct trend in “The Dubya” of naming your team one thing and then
having a logo that’s about something completely different. Last time
I checked, Jason Voorhees was not a hitman. The actual logo itself is
okay in a 80′s kind of way, but it just doesn’t make any sense in
context. My suggestion: rather than come up with a more fitting logo,
rename the team! Possible Alternatives: Calgary Mass Murderers,
Calgary Psychos, or the Calgary Oldschool Goalies.
While The Boston Bruins logo
has long been a favorite of mine (even though I can’t figure out what
bike spokes and collegiate lettering have to do with bears),
Chilliwack’s version of the logo earns nothing but scorn from me.
Seriously guys, you couldn’t change ANYTHING besides the letter in
this logo? Oh wait, I’m sorry, there is a difference: one of the
spokes is missing. Listen Chilliwack (since I know the whole town is
reading this), I think you should seriously consider coming up with
your own unique logo – one that better represents your team in both
spirit and appearance. I think you should hire the dude who made
Calgary’s logo and have him draw a really sweet picture of Freddy
Krueger holding a hockey stick. Or switch with Everett.
Edmonton Oil Kings
While the logical part of my
brain is begging me to make fun of this, I can’t help but like it a
bit. I think the main thing that draws me to it is the total lack of
a cheesy mascot type character. It also doesn’t hurt that it looks
like an actual human being drew it rather than a computerized
demographic measurement mechanism (or CDMM for short). From a quick
glance at the Oil King crown, I can guess several things about the
artist. 1. He drew it in the 60′s or 70′s. 2. He was in Las Vegas.
3. He was inspired by a combination of hookers, porn, and cocaine.
Okay, okay, number 3 was a bit excessive. He was probably just on
coke. That’s what they did for fun in back then right?
The ol’ CDMM was definitely
busted out to create this totally bodacious product of mid-90′s art
sensibilities. Overly busy and unmemorable? Check. Gnarly looking
cartoon character? Check. Hockey stick? Check. Team name in a
silly font? Check. The only thing ol’ Smokey the silvertip bear is
missing is a cartoon series and a set of infomercials about how
smoking is bad. Oh well, at least this teams logo actually makes
Holy 80′s! This logo presents
several issues to me. The first one being: what is a blazer? Is it a
type of shirt? Is it a person on fire? Is it someone getting really
really stoned? Is it a giant letter ‘B’ thats on fire? If my last
guess is correct, then more power to this logo. I can’t help but
think that most people who see this are going to think of Bic lighters
though. I wonder how many people who go to see the Blazers are
disappointed to find that they are at a hockey game and not some sort
of smoking convention. My recommendation: take a page out of
Chilliwack’s book and repurpose the Maple
Leafs old school logo. Another suggestion: make it green.
Never has the CDMM been used
less judiciously then in this example. I mean, the font is okay and
the Dragon-thing is obviously an excellent skate-boarder and rapper,
but…but…but…WHERE IS THE ROCKET? The only thing that notifies
me that this is not the newest rollercoaster at six flags is the
presence of a hockey stick, and even that doesn’t completely cement
this things purpose.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I have been
waiting for this one. Actually, I am so excited to write about what
might be the worst excuse for a logo I have ever seen in my whole life
that I don’t even know what to say. My brain is clogged with images
of a cartoon show featuring a super team of Smokey the silvertip,
Rocket the lake lizard, and Tardo the ice monkey battling crime. The
show I’m envisioning is more awesome than teenage mutant ninja turtles
and Pro Stars
combined. Good news for Kootenay though: at least your logo has a
hockey stick in it. I even think I see some ice on top of the
mountain that ol’ Tardo is surely falling down on his way to the
*sigh* More busy-ness,
more genericness, and more extremeness. Question: what does flushing
a hockey puck down the toilet have to do with a hurricane? Answer:
Because Ice Cream doesn’t have bones. As you can tell, I’m putting as
much effort into this as the fine folks who created this emblem.
Medicine Hat Tigers
I give it points for not
having a hockey stick in it, and also for actually being a tiger. A
very generic tiger that looks more annoyed than fierce, but a tiger
nonetheless. I am disappointed that they couldn’t work a Metool
hat onto the tiger though. Turn the cross thing in the middle of the
helmet red and voila: a medicine hat. Put it on the tiger and voila
part two: a medicine hat tiger. Please don’t leave yet.
Moose Jaw Warriors
Props are due where props are
due: I bow before the artist who was able to incorporate a hockey
stick and a puck into a silhouette of a natuve american’s head. Bravo
sir, bravo. Something about the spikey head dress and the font makes
me think of Sonic the hedgehog and hair metal. Then, after thinking
about Sonic and hair metal, I think of Sonic’s lame ass modern rival
the hedgehog. Then I start vomiting.
Portland Winter Hawks
No. No no. No no no no
no no no. I mean, Chilliwack at least changed it up a litte.
Portland, however, takes the idea of a WHL logo to a brand new level.
My first question is, what does the Chicago Blackhawks logo have to do
with the team’s name? I would assume that a ‘winter hawk’ is some
sort of hawk-like bird that hangs around Portland in the winter, so
where is this bird? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe a Winter Hawk is a Black
Hawk native americans vacationing in Portland in the winter. Or maybe
the team is named after a
movie. Nah, that would just be stupid.
Prince Albert Raiders
Well…it IS a pirate.
And it IS holding a knife in its teeth instead of a hockey stick.
There really isn’t anything exciting or unexciting about this
semi-competently drawn pirate. I can’t help but wish that it was a
skull and crossbones with hockeysticks instead of bones though…hey
whats that down there?
Red Deer Rebels
Looks like Prince Albert has met
its maker! I actually like this logo very much (no kidding). Its got
a comparitively unique south-western artstyle going on and just
generally looks very nice. The hockey sticks are a tad unnecessary
but that might just be because almost every logo on this list has one
Prince George Cougars
While Portland and
Chilliwack decided to lift their logo from NHL teams, Prince George
decided to go a different route with their thievery: high school. I
guess it is only appropriate since the only thing more generic then a
team named the Cougars is a team named the Tigers. Or the Wildcats.
Or any kind of big cat really. Anyway, this Cougar looking blob and
its disembodied paw should hop on out of that hole in the ground and
make way for the teams new
logo. Now thats a Cougar. Rowr.
Some priliminary research shows that
the Pats have been around since something like 1910. Being that the
team is ancient, I am willing to cut them some slack in regards to
their name (which is at least original – how many other teams are
named after a princess?) and their rather boring logo. The question
still begs to be asked though: how the hell did the Pats manage to
softball logo known to man before it even became standardized? I’m
pretty sure that font has been emblazoned upon every drunken 30 year
old man in the USA at some point. Did the Pats start this trend?
Does it actually have nothing to do with any of this and I’m just
being an asshole? Most likely answer: Princess Patricia was psychic.
I mean, if they named a hockey team after her, something about her
must be special, right?
I think the Blades have a bit
of an identity disorder going on here. Most logos only say the city
the team is from, or the teams name, or the teams initials, or
sometimes it will just have some sort of representative emblem. I
guess whoever was making this cluttered swirling mess couldn’t decide
what to go with and just decided to use everything. SASKATOON.
BLADES. S-B. SWORD. It’s all there and it’s all obnoxious. Someone
needs to go give the city of Saskatoon a hug and let them know they
are special because, based on this, they seem to really want some
attention. I base this assumption on the fact that all hockey teams
logos are the absolute emobodiment of their communities feelings and
I. love. this. logo. We
are now entering the part of the program where almost all the team
emblems are pretty sweet. This one is my personal favorite. The
colors are easily associated with Seattle, the native american looking
bird is well drawn and very ‘totemic’, and the name of the city is
written in a non-ridiculous font. They were even able to sneak some
hockey sticks in there in a nice looking manner. I have always been a
sucker for jerseys that say the name of their city across the front of
them, and this one does a good job of doing that as well as presenting
a cool emblem. What? I can’t not make fun of something?
Uh oh. WAC is probably somewhere
out there waiting for this appraisal with bated breath. Will I rip on
her teams logo? Will I praise it as logo-jesus? Will I be hiding in
the bushes waiting for her when she gets home? The answer to all
these questions is: well…there really isn’t a uniform answer. The
Chiefs have a cool logo. It is simple, iconic, and has the added
bonus of being easy to draw and thus very easily scratched into desks
and graffiti-ed all over town. This one and Seattle are actually the
only two I could ever envision a big league team wearing. Oh no, two
in a row that I have liked!
Swift Current Broncos
Ahhh, generic crap: I have
missed you so. This has the typical chiseled lines and extreme font
of every logo that has been created for the past 20 years. I was
going to say somethign about the CDMM again, but a recurring joke can
only recur for so long and I don’t want to wear out its welcome so
soon. Anyway, the Denver Broncos are a bit perturbed by this logo,
but who cares?! They suck! Go Giants! W00t w00t w00t. I don’t
actually like football. I’m just grasping. Hey, you know what that
very sharp (as in knife-like) looking horse reminds me of? This
Post almost finished. Must
struggle on. This logo is clever because it has three stars, and they
play for tri-city which means THREE cities. You get it? And they are
the Americans because their team is IN AMERICA! Obviously these guys
have it all figured out. At least, I thought they did before I saw
that Maverick, Goose, and Iceman aren’t on their roster. Next your
going to tell me that they travel by bus rather then by F-14.
Here we are at our final logo -
and it ain’t too shabby. It’s got that shield looking thing going on
while simultaneously having a maple leaf, a giant, a hockey stick, and
the teams name in it – all without looking cluttered! I would
probably say this is my 4th favorite WHL emblem behind Seattle,
Spokane, and Red Deer.
And thats that! I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
Actually, I hope it was a lot better because this took alot more
effort and time to write then I thought it would (I know it doesn’t
show, but its true!). Anyway, what have we learned about the WHL
today? Mainly that they like to have hockey sticks in their logos. I
also think that we learned that I am a giant dork as I made multiple
unintentional allusions to videogames. I guess it’s semi appropriate
considering where our web hostess is though. I will now take this
time to give a special thanks to WAC for letting me post my crap here
and also to say: just say no to crappy logos. And ferrets. Peaces!