The NHL catalog arrived today. It’s not usually a catalog that gives me the same type of thrills like flipping through the fall issue of Vogue. Where I coo at the five inch Christian Loboutin heels, the flowy acid print Pucci dresses, the still coveted Fendi Spy bags and remind myself to find a sugar daddy. Oh the NHL catalog. It has Alexander Ovechkin on the cover. Ovie is a snappy dresser. And occasionally wears guyliner. Shall we take a peek at the new merch?
Where do I start?
Wow. How very United Colors of Benneton of you, NHL. Even those fuckos who pop their collars won’t buy this. I mean at least it has team colors going on but I don’t think turning over the design department to a bunch of seven year olds armed with a 64 pack of Crayola was the greatest of ideas. That hat is 31 bucks. If I am dating a guy, and he wants to wear a hat that fug, he has to take me out to dinner that costs at least twice as much as the hat. And I will only permit him to wear it two days a week. Yeah I am going to pull the bitch card. Deal with it, if you wanna tap this.
OMG! Doggie! I am torn on how I feel about dogs in clothes. This dog, I think it works. He looks adorable. I will pretend his name is something awesome, like Octavius or Brutus. This t shirt, probably made in China for 12 cents has a price tag of 29 dolla dolla bills, y’all. I think what was most curious is if you notice on the chart, it asks pet’s girth. Uhm, how does one measure that? And for 15 dollars I can get an NHL puck strung on a rope for my Comet Dog to chew on. He has standards, he wouldn’t go for it.
And this is were it all takes a turn. The NHL is still full of fail when it comes to producing merch for the ladies. Will you look at this nonsense? That is the most emo jersey of my life. GREY?! For serious?! Ugh, that is the most pathetic attempt for team colors. So us ladies stamp our foot down and proclaim “death to the pink jersey” and you decide that baby blue is a suitable alternative? For blog, this jersey is making me want to slash my wrists while I listen to some Dashboard wearing beat up Converse shirts from the baby Gap. Hey NHL, your bad ideas are everywhere and they are screaming batshit insanity, and you don’t care. 
Oh look, still in pink. Check out the jerseys at the top, THEY HAVE GLITTER. Because the menfolk know that ladies love sparkly shit. Yeah that’s right, I want an effing four carat ring. I want a Sidekick III like Paris Hilton that is pink and purple and looks like the Swarvoski Crystal Fairy vomited on it. And I want scented body shimmer so I can shine like a Vegas hooker. Because I am a lady and that is how I show support for my team.
Sorry, Four Habs Fans, it’s time for some Milano bashing! 
Alright, this broad leaves a bad taste in my mouth (that’s what she said). Alyssa Milano is soooooo not who I want bringing a female perspective to hockey. I know the dudes are down with her illustrious film career and routinely deny they were watching Milano’s fleshy performances on Lifetime Movie Network to their ladies. But come on, she is cranking out maternity-like shirts. Guys, as a dame who pays attention to fashion, the cut on a shirt matters. You see, the way the Milano tops are cut, they manage to make even a girl who weighs a buck ten look like she is 4 months along. I mean, I think we can agree on avoiding baby mamma drama. Oh and the price tags…Dudes, you may think this stuff is hot, but could you really buy a 60 dollar tshirt for your gal with a tiny logo? Sixty bucks for a shirt, I would hope it comes with a cabana boy to do my laundry.
Alas! Merch without sissy sparkle logos! It’s all classic and old school, it looks comfortable, yeah I’d wear that… 80 dollars for FUCKEN SWEATPANTS!? And the hoodie is 60?! Does it at least come with a matching white g string? They are white sweatpants. No wonder the model ain’t smiling with her eyes, that ensemble costs 140 dollars. Bitch I can go to Wal Mart and get sweat pants and a hoodie and then buy iron on team patches off eBay. I am pretty sure it wouldn’t cost 140 dollars.
Dudes coming up with this merch; have you ever met a woman? And I mean the type who actually enthusiastically enjoys hockey. I get the vibe you are going home and asking your girlfriend who really loves to read Us Weekly and getting her hair extensions done with her sorority sisters what she would put on the shirts. Kitten, it’s not that hard. I will tell you exactly what I want to see in merch. My email is in the side bar. Let’s have a sit down, ok? You can buy me lunch and I will do what I do best, telling people what they are doing wrong. Hell, if you won’t listen to me; listen to Sean mothereffin’ Avery. Homeboy has style and knows how to rock it.
Love and kisses,
Wrap
PS; I am totes stoked for Avery’s reality show. Sign. Me. Up.
26 responses so far ↓
"Dave Schultz" // October 1, 2008 at 3:50 am
I hear ya on the sweatpants, I totally wanted a pair till i saw the price. then just got pissed.
katherinehas // October 1, 2008 at 4:18 am
I am with you – the pink and sparkles are a total mistake. Although, my Bills hat *does* sparkle a tad…but it’s otherwise traditional blue and red.
I fell in love with the Retro Shirts when I was at the NHL store last November…the Sabres shirt made me drool. So soft, so awesome…I literally just kept going back to it just to drool. But $49.50 for a short sleeve Abercrombie like shirt? Can we knock it down just a tad? I’ll pay 29, 35 for that glorious comfy shirt, but 49 is where I draw my limit. Does this make me cheap?
wrap around curl // October 1, 2008 at 4:21 am
@kath; No! That makes you totally reasonable. I believe a shirt reallllly shouldn’t cost more than 25 bucks. But yeah the 50 bucks for a regular tshirt, I was kinda in shock.
eyebleaf // October 1, 2008 at 5:05 am
pink on grey? what the fuck’s up with that? you so need to be designing merch for these clueless bastards.
Ryan // October 1, 2008 at 11:31 am
Your catalogue came with Ovie on the cover? Mine came with stupid Zdeno Chara!! WTF???
They have never had a decent looking Caps hooded sweatshirt ever.
Lori // October 1, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Great post. I agree with you on everything. If I had my way, the ladies wearing the pink crap wouldn’t be cutsy smiling, they would be flipping the double bird.
Ryan // October 1, 2008 at 1:15 pm
That Canucks hat looks Zubaz-esque
Chemmy // October 1, 2008 at 1:45 pm
At least that dog is wearing the right jersey.
Charlie // October 1, 2008 at 2:03 pm
As a Sabres fan, I didn’t think the slug could get worse…then I saw a pink version of it. BRUTAL!
Marvelous Win // October 1, 2008 at 2:23 pm
@Eyebleaf, did we get a catalog? why didn’t we get a catalog, are we not important enough? where can we get a Catalog? No body buy stupid things more then me i am their number one demographic.
those girls jersey are pretty crappy…. wait I listen to dash board, I WEAR CONVERSES… I WEAR CLOTHES FROM BABY GAP… wait no i don’t do the last one… I think i might need to take a test to see if i am an emo
By the way my people in china made them for 5 sense we don’t want to spoil the staff after all
I think we should all get together and create a Hockey Brand for the cool kids
ms.conduct // October 1, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Ha! Awesome. Wysh’s response just makes it more awesome.
HabsFan29 // October 1, 2008 at 3:04 pm
We never said Alyssa’s clothes were anything good, we just wanted to get her out of them.
@Chemmy – yeah, he’s the only living thing willing to wear one (sorry, too easy)
meanwhile, what is this catalog of which you speak? they still print ctalogs in this day and age?
Zack // October 1, 2008 at 3:40 pm
“I want an effing four carat ring. I want a Sidekick III like Paris Hilton that is pink and purple and looks like the Swarvoski Crystal Fairy vomited on it.”
Is there any chance we can get video of this Sidekick being made on Youtube? Cause I would pay to see the Swarvoski Crystal Fairy puke.
SL22 // October 1, 2008 at 4:32 pm
When I think about having to take a girth measurement before buying something…well, it just doesn’t scream “dog shirts!!!!”.
loser domi // October 1, 2008 at 5:22 pm
OK< the jerseys (the grey ones) have a good cut on them. I like that they are not tent-like and look like a REAL jersey. But the colours just depress me. If those jerseys were in the REAL TEAM colors, I’d be all for them. Seeing team/school stuff that isn’t in team/school colors as a general rule irks me.
The retro stuff looks great but like you said, it should come with a cabana boy or something for that price.
By the way, sunfanshop is a great resource for team clothes. I got this: http://www.sunfanshop.com/Toronto-Maple-Leafs-Primary-Logo-T-Shirt_1559536449_PD.html Nice simple, not pink, and it came to about 22 bucks with shipping. It came quickly as well (it took maybe 2-3 weeks but some of that was due to me screwing up while entering my address.) Check it out!
loser domi // October 1, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Also, wouldn’t the puck on a string be a good way to teach the dog which team to hate? Like, “Good boy, chew those Bruins!”?
alix // October 1, 2008 at 6:37 pm
This post is full of so much win! I feel exsctly the same way but wouldn’t have written about it with the same style as you. Those jersies make me grind my teeth.
wrap around curl // October 1, 2008 at 10:11 pm
@HF29; Well, I was speaking ill of the FHF’s Holy Trinity of Babes (Milano, Cuthbert and some other broad).
@Sl22; yeah that was pretty much my thoughts. Not dog shirts…
@domi; one of the chicks at HLOG told me the ladies cut jerseys in team colors are lame iron on logos and not stitched on like the mens.
danielleia // October 1, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I need to find a sugar daddy too. I think I almost found one too (only less old).
“I listen to some Dashboard wearing beat up Converse shirts from the baby Gap.”
RE: NHL- They are selfish. They are wrong.
roshacla // October 2, 2008 at 2:02 am
The real question: how much does the dog cost through the NHL shop? Can I choose its girth? Do any accessories come included?
If it costs less than Alyssa Milano (who is pretty cheap to begin with) I might spring for it.
Baroque // October 2, 2008 at 9:39 am
Pink.
Pink.
Or, the other option – baby blue!
I hate, hate, HATE pastels – completely wrong for my coloring, I’ve always looked better in the bright, deep, gem tones – and GLITTER?!?!
Sure, girls like “sugar glitter” – if they are celebrating their 10th birthday like my cousin!
In your late 30’s, not so much.
Actually I don’t mind the grey heather – but if you are going to do grey and abandon the team colors completely, really push the contrast and put all the logos and stripes in black and white on a grey background. It would be like Ansel Adams photographed hockey instead of landscapes. That I’d be more likely to buy than washed-out pastel crap.
It makes me weep that trees died for the production of that catalog.
Squampton // October 2, 2008 at 9:50 am
Does it say “DD” on the back of those crappy women’s jerseys?
wrap around curl // October 2, 2008 at 5:52 pm
@Squampton; No its a Double Zero to signify the fact the jersey is customizable. Rather than just you know, show one with a name and number…
loser domi // October 3, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I like how it shows all white jerseys, as if you could color them or something
endwithstyle // October 3, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Jesus Christ. We all need to rally to NYC and force the NHL to take OUR opinions when they do the surveys for the women’s merch. It seems they’re just picking up random bimbos off the street to choose… oh wait… they are! (I see you, Milano.)
I wish they would just make normal shit for girls, not this prissy shit that they put out. Don’t mess with the damn color scheme, just put out women’s sizes in the merch that is already out for guys. Especially the jerseys, because most women are smaller than a men’s small and jerseys are fucked up when they’re super big.
PS: I’d take a prissy SideKick III… but only because I’ve wanted a SideKick for years. I wouldn’t care for the color of it as long as it was a SideKick.
Opening Remarks and a Fashion Critique; « Puck The Media // January 31, 2009 at 7:54 pm
[...] have always been critical of the NHL merch. I am a firm believer in team color, non-sissy merch. I was quite confused to get an email from the [...]
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