Like this:

I tend to subscribe to the ironic Warholian statement that “I am a deeply superficial person.” And with my menagerie of hockey boyfriends, I at times think I need to defend them. Particularly Mr Sean Avery. He is a bit of a complicated cookie whom I happen to adore, but it’s not just a looks based assessment. Talent and skill is very much a contributing factor to hockey boyfriend status, the looks are just a perk. The one example of this is my recent developing crush on Evgeni Malkin. I am not entirely sure what led to the feelings in my swimsuit areas. But it’s fucking bizarre. I find myself saying things like “Geno is unconventionally good looking” or “his mullet is a bit charming.” He isn’t really that good looking. He probably (HYPOTHETICALLY) was the type that in high school, the higher his cumulative grade point average was, the cuter he appeared the closer midterms were. His personality is just so damned wonderful. I have been long convinced he has put off learning English or pretends he doesn’t know English to slide out of interviews. Or perhaps with the idea that some smokin’ hot tutor will assist with his linguistics. Bow chicka wow wow. Instead he is making pierogies with some broad and I am trying to suppress That’s What She Said jokes.

image via Puck Daddy.

Is that a (sparkly) thermal top? Yes it is. The 90s are alive and well. They want you to know Uncle Bill says “hey wassup, how’s that economy?” and every other song on the radio is Hootie and the Blowfish and Dunkaroos still exist. Geno sleeves always seem to be too short, and I think I am ok with it. I haven’t even talked about how fantastic his stats are, but that’s not even needed.

I think my having a thing for Evgeni is a bit like my having a thing for Steve Buscemi. I recall a late night with friends and the parlor game was ranking celebrities from 1-10, purely on looks. In theory there were few fleeting 10s and most everyone in Hollywood falls within the 5-10 spectrum. The males easily could name their dames while the ladies thought it over and still sort of attached personality to the looks. I rated Buscemi at a 5 to the shock of a few of the menfolk. “You’d still tap Buscemi?!” “Probably. He’s oddly appealing” “But why?!” “I suppose I am thinking of him circa Reservoir Dogs.” After some heated debate I moved him outside the bubble to number 4 and instead decided that an adequate number 5 would be Ethan Embry, which I think is suiting of Malkin if the superficial scale was applied. Evgeni Malkin is Preston Mayers, probably. He chases pucks around with the exuberance that Preston ran around trying to give his letter to Amanda.

And I’d totes share a strawberry PopTart with Malkin.

stud status.

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