Last night I walked into a meeting with the Puck Huffers, Kim and Zoe and Lori of Hockey Football and Stiletto Shoe. They totally tricked me. The intervention went on for half an hour, I checked the AIM timestamps. I did my best to select the best bits of the meeting as the whole thing is beyond too long to post. So I am hiding it after the jump. Also, Lori felt bad about the meeting and sent me this;
oh heyyyyyyy
Zoe: (9:02:12 PM) who’s got the champagne? this is so celebratory.
Lori: (9:02:16 PM) That’s fantastic.
Lori: (9:02:18 PM) clutch
Kim: (9:02:22 PM) We just….we wanted to voice a concern.
Me: (9:02:28 PM) oh god
Lori: (9:02:31 PM)….We thought that you might be at a point in your life where you would like to.. well… win
Zoe: (9:02:37 PM) and not be unhappy
Zoe: (9:02:38 PM) about things
Me: (9:02:39 PM) I like huffing cans of air and my maple leafs
Lori: (9:02:40 PM) yes
Lori: (9:03:13 PM) but we have the gay boys
Zoe: (9:03:29 PM) i mean, you’ll miss vesa and panty-peeler luke schenn
Kim: (9:03:29 PM) And we know that at one point, like, when velociraptors were still playing pond hockey, the Leafs were winners.
Lori: (9:04:57 PM) But you should also know that Jordan Staal became legal about the time that Schenn did
Lori: (9:05:03 PM) and staal… well, he has brothers
Zoe: (9:05:07 PM) *shot*
Lori: (9:05:08 PM) (drink)
Kim: (9:05:08 PM) Lots.
Me: (9:05:24 PM) he is part of a set, yes
Me: (9:05:30 PM) Schenn has a younger bro as well
Lori: (9:05:34 PM) Max talbot would like it if you stroked is beard and rubbed his shiner
Zoe: (9:05:41 PM) but you’d have to get behind me
Kim: (9:05:46 PM) And you can still fuck Schenn! I mean, you can’t lose him. I meet with Vesa in shady motels constantly.
Lori: (9:05:47 PM) you’re first in line
Me: (9:05:51 PM) I’ll take a pass on the Max Tal
Kim: (9:06:00 PM) Kris Letang is eligible.
Kim: (9:06:19 PM) And the best part is when they aren’t fucking you, they are just fucking one another.
Me: (9:06:30 PM) this is true
Zoe: (9:06:35 PM) talbot and MAFer are so in love
Kim: (9:06:39 PM) Max Talbot has a hot tub.
Zoe: (9:06:43 PM) yes, he does
Zoe: (9:06:46 PM) and a beautiful home
Kim: (9:06:50 PM) He wants you to party in it, with all of us.
Me: (9:08:45 PM) how many more bullet points do you have?
Kim: (9:08:48 PM) Tons.
Lori: (9:08:51 PM) Yeah
Kim: (9:08:52 PM) We could be here all night.
Kim: (9:08:55 PM) Just like Ktang
Kim: (9:08:57 PM) Once you say yes.
Lori: (9:09:00 PM) It’s true.
Lori: (9:09:03 PM) or oui
Me: (9:09:07 PM) non
Zoe: (9:09:11 PM) yeah, ktang will softly touch your face and say he’s been waiting for you
Me: (9:09:22 PM) what a delicate doll
Me: (9:09:24 PM) but no
Kim: (9:09:25 PM) Or punch you, if you’re into that
Kim: (9:11:05 PM) It’s your birthday in a few days.
Kim: (9:11:11 PM) We just think you shouldn’t move on in life
Kim: (9:11:19 PM) With a losing team on your side.
Zoe: (9:11:21 PM) you really can’t. you’ll be upset.
Lori: (9:11:24 PM) it’s not kosher
Zoe: (9:11:27 PM) like, happiness is calling
Kim: (9:11:29 PM) It’s a chance to start over.
Zoe: (9:11:57 PM) we’re currently IN the playoffs
Me: (9:11:59 PM) nope, I’m gonna be the coke whore who sniffs white out and drinks boxes of wine
Me: (9:12:04 PM) and loves the Leafs
Kim: (9:19:41 PM) Heather, everything the light touches could be your kingdom.
Zoe: (9:19:59 PM) heather, petr wants you to get on your knees. he won’t make you, but he just enjoys that.
Lori: (9:21:07 PM) They can be like a loser vacation for when the winning gets tiresome
Kim: (9:21:19 PM) You can still fool around with them. The Pens are willing to have an open relationship with you, as long as your commitment is with them.
Kim: (9:26:58 PM) You get a free pony. Just for being a fan.
Zoe: (9:27:28 PM) i know you’re passing on the talbot, but he’ll deliver you pizza
Kim: (9:27:37 PM) He does deliver pizza.
Lori: (9:27:44 PM) and might expect a bj for a tip
Me: (9:31:28 PM) and maybe when I am in supremely bad shape I will drunkenly call the Pens for a booty call
Me: (9:31:39 PM) but for now, the Leafs put a ring on it
wow. I’m not sure I would not have that kind of resolve. and I love me my Sens. which makes my affair with the Penguins a somewhat difficult relationship.
By: mer on May 14, 2009
at 9:13 pm
I’ve been a committed Flames lady for years… I’ve also have flings with teams/players every year. I’m so bad. The Pens happen to be one of those, this year. As well as Hiller and Upshall. I’m sure the Flames understand… I always come home to them at night. Even though they ruthlessly rip out my heart come playoffs…
By: CanadianWasTaken on May 14, 2009
at 9:30 pm
You are a brave one, withstanding such an intervention. I feel like we should have pulled a “Saved” and thrown a Sidney Crosby DVD at you. “I AM FULL OF PENGUINS LOVE” then you can look at us, dumfounded, and tell us that the Sidney Crosby DVD is not a weapon, and that we have clearly lost our minds.
By: Lori on May 14, 2009
at 9:34 pm
those crafty vixens, they almost even had ME convinced, and I just read the highlights
By: jaredoflondon on May 14, 2009
at 9:34 pm
YOU STAY AWAY FROM THOSE EVIL PENGUINS YOUNG LADY.
By: Q-girl on May 14, 2009
at 10:49 pm
I’m off Kim, Zoe, and Lori HUUUUUUGE.
The nerve.
By: eyebleaf on May 14, 2009
at 11:32 pm
Does that mean I get a birthday present and they don’t?
By: wrap around curl on May 15, 2009
at 1:49 am
I dunno eyebleaf
free pony, dont pretend like that didnt interest you
By: jaredoflondon on May 14, 2009
at 11:44 pm
I heard about the intervention going down. I reacted much like you; shit was convincing! But then the anger came. Followed by faith in Wrap. I told Kim she wasn’t going anywhere, because that’s not how she rolls. So, I’m not concerned.
But you’re right about the pony. And you know what? If there’s any fans that deserve ponies, it’s Leafs fans.
By: eyebleaf on May 14, 2009
at 11:47 pm
I hear we’re getting tiger cubs some time soon
By: jaredoflondon on May 15, 2009
at 12:04 am
This was so not fair. Plus, loving the Leafs should not mean you’re delusional and/or drugged up. Well, maybe a little. But still, this gang-up was not fair at all.
By: bkblades on May 14, 2009
at 11:44 pm
the true paradox lies in do the Leafs lead to substance abuse, or substance abuse to the leafs?
By: jaredoflondon on May 15, 2009
at 12:05 am
Who knows?? Crosby may be able to give you pointers on great shades of lipstick. JK
I totally agree with Q. Don’t go near them. PENGUINS WILL ONLY BRING YOU BAD THINGS IN LIFE. Walk away. Walk away.
By: AsThePuckTurns on May 14, 2009
at 11:59 pm
The only class shown was by the faithful lady that made her choice and stands by it through thick and thin. Once Crosby and Malkin are gone I assume the offensive trio will disappear until the Penguins’ organization successfully tanks again and the team is revived by another generational talent.
By: Pension Plan Puppets on May 15, 2009
at 6:32 pm
I’m blue and white. Without a doubt.
By: wrap around curl on May 16, 2009
at 6:59 am
There’s free ponies? Is liking the Pens enough to get one?
By: sleza on May 16, 2009
at 4:24 pm