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Yo yo! What up mofos? HabsFan29 from FourHabsFans in da house again. Even though Wrap is back from vacation, she has graciously allowed me the privilege of writing up the rest of the True Blood season, after a significant amount of begging on my part. Of course the rest of the season is two episodes, so my TV-recapping career will have lasted all of three weeks. But they’ve been glorious! So join me after the jump for spoilers from Season 2′s penultimate episode, right after I say “YAHTZEE!!!!!!”

Overall, I would have to rate this ep a solid “meh.” It seemed like nothing really happened to be honest. Just a lot of setup for the finale. But recap I have promised, and recap I shall deliver.

We pick up right where we left off last week, with Bill meeting Evan Rachel Wood, er, the Queen vamp. ERW’s complexion actually seems darker playing a vamp than it normally is. Anyway, her character seems pretty dull if you ask me. Sure, I like vampire lesbians as much as the next heterosexual dude, but fake sun-tanning and some Yahtzee don’t make you interesting. After keeping Bill around for a while, she finally gave up the goods on killing a maenad like Maryann, and it seems like Sam will be the key to it. The only highlight of Queenie’s performance was when she echoed the thoughts of female fans of True Blood everywhere when speaking of Eric and Bill – “you two should really just fuck each other and get it over with.”

So Wrap and I were talking over the emails last week about an awesome idea – a buddy cop show starring Jason and Andy. Last night’s episode made our idea come to life. While they looked to be the only ones who are taking action (which won’t work), they had a scene together sitting in a pickup truck that was so full of win I don’t even know where to start. I’d love to transcribe the whole thing, but I’ll settle for giving you two money Jason quotes:

“Do you think Sam could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg?”

“‘Cause this town might be full of  crazy rednecks and dumbasses, but they’re still Americans, Andy.”

They then shook hands, looked lovingly into each others eyes, loaded up with ammo and went off to kill them some Maryann. Good luck with hat, you crazy kids.

Speaking of Maryann, she brings Tara back to the dark-eyes side with a quality slap to the face. Tara is just too fucking stupid for words, going back to the house to try to rescue Eggs after she had been (possibly) cured by the stupid deprogramming of last week. Let’s just hope the rumoured death of a main character in the finale turns out to be her. The only interesting part of this story was Lafayette’s pink fur handcuffs. And generally Lafayette killed (both figuratively and literally – RIP, Karl) as usual, alternating from kicking ass to freaking out.

In Romeo & Juliet land, Hoyt is none too pleased with Jessica attacking his mama, even though Mama seems to like it. The sight of poor Jessica standing there in the doorway as Hoyt left made me well up with tears. Or it was the onions I was chopping. Though in the end, when Mama reveals to Hoyt she’d been lying about his father the whole time (he offed himself, not the died-as-hero story Hoyt had heard growing up), it looks like Hoyt might be back on Jessica’s side again.

So the climax comes as Sookie charges into the house to rescue Tara (Sookie is also too stupid for words), having a darkly hilarious encounter with Dr. Phlox along the way. Sookie finally finds Tara, who’s with Eggs dancing around a nest with a giant egg in it. That’ll make a hell of an omelette. That’s weird enough, until she turns to find Lafayette in her face, now with black eyes. And, scene.

Gross-out of the night – random chopping off of your own fingers

LOL line of the night – two more from Jason: 1. “This is Armageddon; this is the oral history of the zombie war.” 2. “Sometimes you need to destroy something to save it. That’s in the Bible. Or the Constitution.”

Sexytime moment of the night (sponsored by FHF) – Queenie gives a whole new meaning to “eating out.”

Programming note – the finale is in two weeks, not next week. Dammit!

Final note – by request from last week: