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Who wants to get married? This guy, that’s who! I (HabsFan29) am the last bachelor FHF. I’m a blogger in mom’s basement; come and get me ladies! Fortunately, last night’s True Blood season finale provided all the marital goodness you could want. Join me after the jump to find out who got married to who (or what), who didn’t, and who sucks at Yahtzee…

Well I’ve got to be honest my fellow Bleeders, I am really not sure about last night’s episode. I came out feeling a bit disappointed. I think the pacing was all off – what should have been the climax happened about 15 minutes in. I remember looking at the clock and saying, okaaay, now what? Am I wrong? Am I right? Anyway, on with the recapping.

So Maryann has turned into the bride from hell (in Gran’s wedding dress! oh the horror, Sookie) as she gets ready to “marry” Dionysus. And Sookie gets to play her tied-up maid of honour for her troubles. Instead of giving Maryann a shower though, it involves licking blood off an ostrich egg. Our favourite Rambos Jason ‘n Andy try to save the day, but go black-eyed pretty quick. Sam is convinced by Bill to go help out, and ends up getting gutted by Eggs for his troubles, as he’s all tied up and ready to be the sacrifice. But alas, Bill and Sam had a plan! It was actually quite intelligent, for Bill at least, whose plans usually entail running fast and biting people. This time he let Sam get gutted, then used his magical powers to heal him. Sam then shapeshifts to the bull / god thing in our photo, and proceeds to gut the hell out of Maryann with his horn and fist. Lots of gutting in this ep. And there’s black blood, and a black heart. And before you know it, Maryann is dead, her face all Raiders of the Lost Ark-y. Yay! One dead annoying character! Can Tara be next? Please, pretty please?

So that’s it, really, Maryann is dead and everyone in town goes back to normal. End of episode, right? Sorry, that’s when it was 9:15. On to the rest of the show!

Over a game of Yahtzee that Eric sucks at, Queen Vamp reveals that she is the one ordering Lafayette to sell vamp blood, and that it is her own blood that is being sold. Then they are all blah blah blah about humans and vampire love, and Eric promises to “take care of Bill”, or something to that effect. That may be important later.

So everyone is back to “normal”, such as it is in Bon Temps. They can’t remember what they did while they were black-eyed though. This seems to be a good thing for the most part, but Eggs is really not happy that his hands are covered in blood, and needs to know what he did. Fortunately, Sookie’s magical powers allow people to remember. Unfortunately, it helps Eggs remember that he was the one who took out all the hearts. Doh! He doesn’t take this well at all, and tries to surrender to Andy, handing him the knife he used accompanied by the awesome line, “it’s a murder weapon you dumb fuck!!!” Dammit Eggs, you’re making me start to like you. And then Jason comes on the scene, and thinks he’s saving Andy from a knife-wielding crazy man and puts a bullet in Eggs. Should have done it at the beginning of the episode when I still hated Eggs. Andy tells Jason to vamoose, and tells everyone he was the one who killed Eggs. Aww, protecting his new BFF. But for a man who just got his badge back, that really ain’t good policing.

In other story lines, Hoyt walks out on mama after he learns it was all true about his Dad offing himself. He goes to find Jessica, but she’s too busy fucking and biting random truckers. After Sam saved the day, he goes off to find his birth parents. There’s a story line for next year.

And in the big cliffhanger, Bill asks Sookie to marry him! But she’s a bit hesitant, because they’re so different! What will their kids be like? But she thinks about it over a bathroom break, and decides that Yes, Yes, I will marry you the love of my life! Tough shit for you though sweetheart, as an unseen person / vampire / thing (Eric?) wrapped some silver around Bill’s neck and dragged him off. Sucks to be you, Sookie. And…. season.

Gross-out of the night – Maryann’s death really was quite awesome, what with the horn turning into an arm and lots of ripping out of black blood and guts.

LOL line of the night – Jason (of course): “It’s times like these this town needs a good man, Andy. And that man… is us.”

Sexytime moment of the night (sponsored by FHF) – Queenie throwing Eric down. Rawr.

Thanks to It’s no big deal for the screen cap

A final note – well, we’ve come to the end of our long three week journey together kids. It’s been a real slice. Thanks to y’all for reading, and thanks to Wrap for lending me the keys to the car. Drinks on me.