Wikiwac: Orientation!

Kicking off our Putting On the Foil 101  (or, Wikiwac) we have Detroit Red Wings fan Rose. You can follow her on twitter

Watching hockey is one of the only things I can do and not have my ADD kick in. It’s fast paced, exciting, and the fans are crazy. There’s barely any down time other than breaks between periods and all you can think of is to scream your favorite players name or the chant that’s going on around you while you watch 5 men pass a frozen rubber puck around the ice.

One of the biggest things about hockey is the fights and the hits, or rather the brutality of it all. I must say, Niklas Kronwall is one of the hardest hitters I’ve seen. His open-ice hits knock the breath out of the biggest defensemen and forwards. Getting “Kronwalled” seems like it wouldn’t be fun at all.Fights are one of the best things about hockey, because it lets the players show their feelings and they get a penalty, but most of the time the punch to the other guy seems deserved. Does anyone remember the one time Pavel Datsyuk got in a fight? Pavel Datsyuk is a 4 time Lady Byng winner, otherwise known as the most polite and nice player. Fights usually happen because someone fucks with your teams goalie or another player.

Goalies! Goalies are usually considered to be the weird ones. The Flyers goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov, is a fantastic example of this. After doing a show called, “Road to The Winter Classic,” for HBO Sports, he got made fun of often for being so obsessed with the “humangos big” universe and just generally being weird. Goalies can’t move very well, due to the amount of padding they have in their uniform to help them block pucks and not form bruises. Because of this, you never fuck with a goalie. Teams are usually very protective of them and if you so much as touch them in the wrong way, it’ll turn into a fight. Also, goalies are not afraid to push bitches out of their crease (the blue area in front of the net). They don’t like not being able to see.

You might have noticed a lot of weird names in the NHL: Bryzgalov, Lundqvist, Datsyuk. This is because a lot of the NHL players are from Europe. Many are also coming from Canada. These weird names might be hard to say at first, but you’ll hopefully get the hang of it.

Rivalries are pretty huge. To name a few, there’s the Flyers and the Penguins, the Rangers and the Islanders, the Blackhawks and the Wings, or the Maple Leafs and the Canadiens. Especially when we get into playoffs, these rivalries get big. When you play someone 7 games in a row and you already don’t like them, everything they do seems to upset you.

Playoffs are a wonderful thing and they lead to the best trophy ever in sports history, the Stanley Cup. This is the best trophy because it’s a cup. Drinking champagne out of the Cup is a requirement after winning a hard fought season and playoff run. People have been known to put babies in it, eat cereal/ice cream out of it, and obviously drink from it. The holder of the cup has the best job ever, because he gets the cup pretty much year round and takes care of it. Many players have been photographed sleeping or cuddling Lord Stanley, making fangirls around the world jealous of a trophy.

Bromances are not something you would expect in such a violent sport, but hey, bros are bros. Some famous ones are Jonathon Toews/Patrick Kane, Adam Burish/Patrick Sharp, Claude Giroux/Danny Briere, and Brian Boyle/Brandon Prust. There are many bouts of fanfiction and pictures out there about these bromances. Hockey players aren’t all angry and rude all the time.

Right now, everyone is pretty angry over the fact that there might be an NHL Lockout this upcoming year. Everyone is being greedy and the NHL and NHLPA (Players association) aren’t doing a very good job at talking to each other and working things out. People all over the world watch the NHL, known to be the best league, so this is becoming very intense.

Everybody is all about the forwards because of their wonderful hands and their scoring chances, but most goalies and defensemen are extremely underrated. People don’t realize how much a blocked shot fucking hurts. Because of this, most players are missing teeth. Girls who love hockey usually end up finding this attractive. We can’t help it, it’s pretty manly realizing you took a puck to the face and continued playing the sport you love.

Another big thing is hockey asses. And when I say big, I mean big. Because of all the skating and conditioning they do, hockey players usually have extremely muscular legs and butts. Some known for having huge asses are Sidney Crosby and Jonathon Toews.

Most girl hockey fans on the internet, I hope you realize, aren’t “puck bunnies”. We actually enjoy the sport. The good looking guys are just a plus. We know the sport and the rules and we can recognize a great save or a nice hit. Also, we aren’t afraid to scream and yell and pound the shit out of the glass, which happens often at hockey games.

Brothers within the NHL have kind of become a big deal. The Staals being the most noticeable, I think. There are four Staal brothers, Eric, Marc, Jordan and Jared. Jared is the only one not in the NHL yet, but Marc is the only one not playing for Carolina or their affiliate team. (He plays for the New York Rangers.) (He is also the cutest.) They all grew up on a sod farm together in Thunder Bay, Ontario. 2 of the 4 have hoisted the Stanley Cup, Eric (2006, Carolina Hurricanes) and Jordan (2009, Pittsburgh Penguins).

Some old time hockey players that are pretty important are Wayne Gretzky, Steve Yzerman, Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr, and Mario Lemieux. These people are important because they carved the way of hockey today. If you don’t know these names, learn them.

Last thing, AHL teams are SUPER awesome! It’s cheaper, possibly closer, and you get to see young players that will hopefully soon be playing for your NHL team! Many of them were drafted 2-3 years ago and are waiting for the call up. The great thing about hockey is that there’s also a “minor league” here, meaning more hockey and better hockey. Football, in the US, only has the NFL, which makes it hard for young players to get experience. Go watch some AHL games if you don’t have the money to drop on some NHL tickets.

Putting On The Foil 101/Wikiwac is a chance for fans to talk about whatever they’d like. A shameless call for blog content. If you’re interested in contributing, see this post for details