I’m gonna finish him like a cheesecake!

So I don’t even care how wrong Cosmo’s list of Hot Hockey Players 2013 is. I really don’t. First all of it’s from the publication that has a long history of bad sex advice that has ranged from wrapping a scrunchie around your dude’s discostick (something about blowjobs) to putting a bunch of fruit in or around your kit and caboodle (it will probably result in a yeast infection). Second of all, just shut up. Seriously.

It was quite hilarious today to see various men up in arms on the issue. I’m a bit confused as to why it is acceptable for a man to ogle and leer at female athletes. Actually, I’m not confused at all. I got the answer. You’re mad that ladies have it in them to flip the script and eye your favorites. This doesn’t make female fans dumber. Okay, it is bad public relations coming from Cosmo. But the male gaze is so damned dominant and when women get their time to give the once over; people lose their shit.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but SEXY ONLY GOES SO FAR. A hockey game is a really long span of time to maybe glance your favorite eye candy and that’s not a good return on investment if that’s all you’re there for. I’m better off watching Crazy Stupid Love and skipping to the good Ryan Gosling parts. Or watching Drive and skipping to the good Ryan Gosling parts. Or watching Blue Valentine and skipping to the good Ryan Gosling parts.

Oh hockey, yeah. I mean, they don’t even have to be NAKED and I am positively thrilled and delighted. And during playoffs? I’m just overcome with the urge to rub my face on bearded cheeks. Or hope for stubble burn along my inner thighs.

I admire hockey players for their various body types because Sidney Crosby’s ass is just the most magnificent thing ever. But also for the skills and things they can do with their muscles.

Cosmo routinely drops the ball with address female satisfaction between the sheets. They dole out plenty of ways a woman can make oral sex better for a dude. But nothing about what the man can do in return. In the words of Ms Jackson: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?

Baby, I’m not gonna question what revs your engine. I’m just gonna tell you to floor it. You enjoy these dudes, whatever your type, and use them to your liking. And if you’re looking to make like Ginger and spice up your life. I recommend shopping Babeland.

4 thoughts on “I’m gonna finish him like a cheesecake!

  1. You’re goddamn right I’m up in arms about this. With the exception of Patrick Sharp, that list fucking SUCKED. Cosmo wouldn’t know hot if it was sitting on their face.

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