“do you have ‘I just called to say I love you’?”

There are a million ways to be cruel, and I’d probably walk 500 miles even though there are fifty ways to leave a lover. Since everyone is going all John Cusack a la High Fidelity on it. I give you my Top Five Ways I Would Fix the NHL;

1. Two Words: Family sections. I propose designated family sections (with a lower ticket prices). I prefer to sit with the more fanatical fans. At times, I am known to curse loudly. I am sorry. Things happen and the only response I can muster is “goddammitsonofabitchassholemotherfucker.” Parents glare because you cursed in front of their 10 year old son who they (probably) bought a Lil Wayne CD for. This would also move the mascot to a better area (keeping them out of my line of sight) and it can be good for promotions. Pizza Hut can go crazy and hand out coupons or something. Whatever. Quarantine the cheer sticks to one area, less headaches. I am not saying all children need to be moved because I have been around parents who didn’t care that I shoot my mouth off because they do as well. But, let’s try an create a family environment with the right people who would come to hockey on a regular basis.

2. Embrace non-traditional merchandise. What do I mean by this? Your merch is boring. Spice it up. Which does not mean making it pink. Ditch that. Some of my favorite shirts aren’t official NHL shirts. Such as the Ovechkin as Che or things in the Melt Your Face Off store. I didn’t like the WHL merch, so I made my own. Have the designers on Project Runway come up with some new hoodies or something with iPod pockets. Team up for cross brand promotions with colleges. Do I have to think of everything? Also, drop the price on some of the merchandise. Which brings me to number three…

3. Volume, not mark up. You have the power to push back and change prices with vendors. I have dealt with vendor contracts before and know you are expected to move X number of cases over Y amount of time in order to get Z dollars. But, the vendors can be negotiated with. I am a believer in lowering the price to move more units. I can go to 7/11 and get nachos and a giant soda (as described by Winona Ryder in Reality Bites) for what, three bucks? Now, at a hockey game nachos run about six bucks and a soda is going to at least be three bucks. I know the economy sucks, blah blah blah. But Costco can make it work. Why can’t you? Start shaving prices, I imagine it would have a positive effect.

4. Make players more visible. I want to see more of the players, but not just the usuals either. I’d pay big money to see someone like Derek Boogaard on Live With Regis and Kelly when Jack Hanna comes out with like some python. Then we can all coo when he brings out the baby albino tiger with birth defects for Boogie to hold. I’d pay even bigger money to see the Sedins play Rock Band with Conan O’Brien. It would be a ginger explosion of sheer awesome. I miss the old NHL commercials that showed the personality of the players. I am tired of the interviews with the same questions and answers. Let’s change it up.

5. Court and love the bloggers. Not to get all Leitchian with the royal “we”. But…we do make a difference. We can make a dent in how the league is perceived. Yeah, that is a double-edged sword and whatnot. But we do this out of sheer love and joy and a lot of us make no money off of this. I am ferocious at self promotion, but my greater goal in the promotion is spreading the love of my little WHL team. I even made a few adoption badges for people to put on their site. You see what I did there? My point is, that even if you don’t care about a team a blog can make you sit up and pay attention. I really never thought about the Sabres until I read Dani’s blog. I was rather oblivious to the goings on of the Leafs until I stumbled upon numerous blogs written by talented people. The blogs are a community full of fiercely loyal cats, take us out for dinner every here and again.

Runner up/honorable mention: I call for the heads of the assholes who show up after the first period and leave before the end of the third. We don’t want your kind here. Every time someone shows up late for hockey (I let weather and children related lateness slide), I fight the urge to tar and quarter them in a public square.

A Cosby Crosby Sweatahhh!

Hottie Hockey Dreamy Team; One slot left, ahem.

Last chance at democracy! It’s the final for the Righty and the winner of Center is unveiled after the jump. Can you stand it?

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Chiefs.

Alright kittens, it’s time for me to cover some actual hockey. Even hockey related to my team. So, let’s put aside the Project Runway and Sean Avery and get down to some Chiefs business. I have held off on updates, now there is a pile. Shall we continue? It’s the Get in the Box link round up…

First order of business, uhm, we don’t have a coach at the moment. Yes, I am aware we upped Bill Peter’s contract back in like, March for three more seasons. And we were all thrilled because of the amazing turnaround the Chiefs have made. While I am glad he will be moving up the coaching ranks. It still is disappointing because we won the Memorial Cup and he said “peace out, ciabattas.” It’s like, you have a string of great dates with some superfox and you are just drunk on all the hardcore making out. Then you call and find out they have a girlfriend after all. Ugh. Men.

Hold it right there…An update. Thanks to Dylan for sending me this story. We have a coach, peeps. Hardy Sauter, who served as assistant coach with Peters. This bodes well, I think…

Also, Jace Coyle has been traded to the Medicine Hat Tigers. Cuts had to be made, he was a decent kid who didn’t get a chance to see a lot of play. In return, we get some Bantam picks. Whatever. At least we didn’t trade for half a Snapple and some Doritos?

BTW, where have all our boys gone? Jared Spurgeon was at Islander camp. Click here for a video of little Jar Jar. It’s a shame his helmet obstructs the hair. Judd Blackwater was invited to the Chicago Blackhawks summer fun. Sadly, the Blackhawks do not believe in letting the public know how their potential baby Blackhawks did. Chris Bruton (El Capitan) snagged an invite to the Calgary Flames camp. Here is a video of Brutzy. He is such a well spoken individual and I miss him already. He is rather handsome now that the playoff beard is gone. As for what he decided, well, he is getting schooled. Brutzy will be going to Acadia University and playing with the Axemen. At camp with Chris was Mitch Wahl, who kept his teeth hidden away during this interview and I never knew his voice was so manly…

In case you didn’t know, they are going big time. Dustin Tokarski is at Camp Canada showing them how one properly holds it down in the pipes. We already know what he has been up to in Ottawa… Drayson Bowman is reppin’ USA at Lake Placid along with Tyler Johnson and Mitch Wahl. Jared Cowen got an A (not of the scarlet variety) at the under 18 Canada camp.

[Jared Cow Cow. Back, left. image via hockeycanada.ca]

They are getting contracts, son! Smokin’ hot David Rutherford signed with an ECHL team, the Charlotte Checkers. He is another Chief I will miss. He is so lovely at agitation, very Avery. There was that time he received a two minute penalty for hair pulling. Oh yes please… Drayson Bowman sorted things out with the Carolina Hurricanes and is close to scoring a slot on their roster. But I have a feeling Bows will enjoy one more season with the Chiefs.

Ugh, is summer over yet? While it’s all hot out, be sure to pick up a Tokarski Saves shirt You would look great rockin’ one at the beach. You can even get it in tank top version, to tan even more of your surface area. Seriously, buy some merch. Funny thing, my job caught on fire. There was an incident at Sonic, not my fault. Anyways not entirely sure when I am working again. Sooooo, help keep a girl stocked on Dr Peppers. Eyebleaf picked up a hoodie. Trust him, he is a goalie. He approves.

Not about hockey: The Project Runway Liveblog

Join Dani and I as we navigate tonight’s epi. Which will feature Apollo Ono as a guest. Lllllllick.

Not about hockey;

So tomorrow night I will be liveblogging Project Runway with the ever fabulous Dani of Sabre Kallisions. Hilarity will most likely ensue. Feel free to drop in and we can talk about how much Blayne needs to stop trying to make girlicious happen.

The madness starts at 9 pm eastern time.

Thanks kittens.

the hockey devil wears yves saint laurent

Dear Sean,
Why you gotta be like that? I am 21, that is totally your age range, right? I am fabulously witty, if that counts for anything. I can talk fashion. If you can believe it. Homegirl may often rock hockey jerseys and Adidas, but knows couture. You wanna talk Hermes Birkin bags? Fine, because we all know Fendi Spy bags are like, 3 fucking years ago. Don’t even get me started on Louis Vuitton. It’s devoid of the class and taste it once had. Same with Coach. Every semi-alcoholic sorority sister has some Coach bag to carry her iPhone and a stash of Trojans. How dreadful. We can rhapsodize about how thrilling Karl Lagerfeld at Chanel has been and how his last collection was influenced by Amy Winehouse.

And it’s not like I am like Cuthbert who has gone to town on the entire Eastern Conference. Allegedly. Just sayin’.

I never pegged you for Calvin Klein. That is so….Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch of you.

Call me?
Love and kissy faces,
Wrap

PS, you can borrow my black nail polish anytime.

Hottie Hockey Dreamy Team: Center of Your Attention Final and Righties Who Still Rile You Up

Ladies, we are nearing the end. Thanks for hanging on. We have made it even easier to vote! After the jump, find the technology we should have used agesssss ago.

the pretty pretty netminder

My pretty pretty goalie has been doing lovely at camp. It’s going to be stiff competition for Team Canada goalie (oh wassup Pickard, Sexsmith and Allen..). But I am confident Toka will fill that slot. However, the ever witty Q Girl sent me a message today:

your boy was just on TV (sportscentre) being interviewed about the team canada jr camp and he had a hickie. either that or he took a stick to the neck, but it was probably a hickie. he has only been in ottawa since saturday and he has already found a skank to nibble on his neck….unless he has been making out with someone else from team red, in which case i say carry on.

And then there was video..

LOOK AT HIS NECK! Who did that?! It wasn’t me because I leave love bites where they cannot be seen. I would have at least at the decency to let him borrow some coverup so he would look his best for the media. Btw, I love his new haircut. The faux hawk is tres adorable.

On a more serious note relating to Dustin, he was delayed getting to camp due to the passing of his grandfather. Article here, last item Q-Girl also sent me that link. The Tokarski’s are a family of goaltenders, it’s in the blood. You can read more about the line here.

Nathan over at The World of Junior Hockey has been keeping lovely tabs on the Canada camp action.

“do you like hockey and blow jobs?”*

“I like the girl parts of being a girl. I can enjoy cross-stitching and cock-sucking. And I can express my own opinions without being labeled a bad feminist. And I, nor anyone else, should ever have to apologize for any of it.”

-Tracie Egan

Can we have a time out for a second? Actually, it’s going to be longer than a second because if you have been here before you know when I am on a roll, no one is getting out of here in a timely manner. So just sit back and let me have my say (which might be laced with expletives and violent diction).

Just what in the fuck is your damage? Have we not already established the fact that women hold equal rights? I know it took a bit for us to get suffrage, but hey we did it (faster than Switzerland!). I think it’s pretty awesome I can get prescription for birth control and it’s no big deal if my ankles or wrists are seen by the fellas.

Perhaps I need to back up a second and explain. Lately, the go-to summer hockey blog topic has been about female hockey fans and their position in a greater sense. Well, it never really is about a woman’s role, it melts into an argument about that. See; HERE, HERE and HERE. Now, I absolutely adore these ladies for articulating their feelings about hockey. I am however, upset at these fucking slack jawed junk slut commenters. Would you please go back to your caves? Clearly you have not caught up with the evolution of the rest of humankind.

You see, I didn’t wanna flog this topic some more. But I think I have to since there are some who just do not get it. Us ladies are fully aware of the male fandom. We absolutely know we are outnumbered when it comes to sitting at the rink for a game. And that goes for most sports. We are moreso aware of the gender ratio when it comes to writing about hockey. I am certain almost every female who has started a hockey blog, had that moment of hesitation; wondering how she would be perceived by male readers and if she would be taken seriously. But then said “well fuck it” and just went for it.

Every once in a while, the trolls come up. They crawl out of the woodwork and snarl “girls can’t write about hockey” or “she needs to get back to the kitchen.” Clearly, these men never want to touch a female let alone ever have their dick sucked. Kittens, this isn’t 1950. I don’t have to starch your shirts and you don’t have to work in a coal mine, you dig? Now, I know you will want to start calling me names and bandy about the word “feminist” and you are most welcome to say this. But I will not accept any four or five letter name calling, savvy?

Your grudge against the ladies at hockey games is not cute. I am not saying men should be condescendingly sweet with the door holding and such. Because I can do things on my own, like open pickle jars and all that and I don’t expect to have some cabana boy at my beck and call (oh but a girl can dream…). But, can you please not be a fucking prick to us? Seriously, you wonder why Lorena Bobbit got chop happy with the scissors? If anyone ever questioned my motives for being at a hockey game, I’d be grabbing the nearest shiny, metal object.

So let’s just put an end to the rampant douchebaggery. Guys, this is where you go apologize to the women you spoke ill of and ask them if they would like to go out for wings and some beer; where you can talk about something else, like the instigator rule or whether or not Sean Avery should be loved or hated.

You pissed off a lot of down ass lady hockey fans. Because I would bet these dames wear teams colors every time; better yet have a sweater with the name on the back. I imagine they hate the pink jerseys with every fiber of their being. They probably don’t even text during the game, unless it’s after a goal is scored to keep a friend who is stuck at work updated. They most likely enjoy dollar hot dog nights and the soft pretzels with scalding hot chemical cheese and are mad that a bottle of water is 3 dollars.

This topic needs to be retired because it becomes an attack on character and personal beliefs with absolutely nothing being accomplished. This subject really is the NHL’s abortion argument. It’s a conversation that is hard to get many people to approach calmly and rationally. People just walk away pissed off, getting nowhere. So, let’s put the knives away and discuss something else.

As a lady who likes hockey, you have to deal with things like being called a; puck slut, puck bunny, puck fuck, hockey whore, etc. As much you can know about hockey, there will always be some guy sneering at your presence at a game, wondering your intentions. We either showed up to the game in too much make up or not enough and we look like just one of the guys. Really, it’s not fair. I am just like you, I toss my sweater on before games one sleeve at a time. The only difference is that I put lip gloss on after that.

*=Title taken from a post over at Q-Girl’s site. It truly is the best pick line ever.

Scandalous Stick Handling, ahem.

Wrap Around Curl: http://hockeyfan7187.blogspot.com/ Uhhh wow. Reasonable Doubt sent me that.
“dave schultz”: what. the. fuck.
Wrap Around Curl: I KNOW. It’s wildly inaccurate given Geno can’t speak English.
“dave schultz”: hahahaaaa, i love that your criticism of it is that the inaccuracy of Geno not being able to speak English hahahahaaahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I think those fanfic stories are intended to be accompanied by battery operated devices and the finest of Boone’s Farm.

Update: so the Malkin fanfic was removed and the account deleted. This is the first time I have ruined someone’s life, I think. I did manage to snag a copy of the work before it was all removed. Though we are missing chapters 1-4. It has been suggested we just write our own missing chapters.

I think it should be acted out. Like that time on the Office where Pam found Michael’s screenplay then they did a dramatic reading of it. Can anyone do a really great fake Russian accent? And who will play our heroine? The girl who’s father owns a hockey team, yet she is a Denny’s waitress. It’s in the vein of those hooker with a heart of gold stories.