Alright kittens, it’s time for me to cover some actual hockey. Even hockey related to my team. So, let’s put aside the Project Runway and Sean Avery and get down to some Chiefs business. I have held off on updates, now there is a pile. Shall we continue? It’s the Get in the Box link round up…
First order of business,uhm, we don’t have a coach at the moment. Yes, I am aware we upped Bill Peter’s contract back in like, March for three more seasons. And we were all thrilled because of the amazing turnaround the Chiefs have made. While I am glad he will be moving up the coaching ranks. It still is disappointing because we won the Memorial Cup and he said “peace out, ciabattas.” It’s like, you have a string of great dates with some superfox and you are just drunk on all the hardcore making out. Then you call and find out they have a girlfriend after all. Ugh. Men.
Hold it right there…An update. Thanks to Dylan for sending me this story. We have a coach, peeps. Hardy Sauter, who served as assistant coach with Peters. This bodes well, I think…
Also,Jace Coyle has been traded to the Medicine Hat Tigers. Cuts had to be made, he was a decent kid who didn’t get a chance to see a lot of play. In return, we get some Bantam picks. Whatever. At least we didn’t trade for half a Snapple and some Doritos?
[Jared Cow Cow. Back, left. image via hockeycanada.ca]
They are getting contracts, son! Smokin’ hot David Rutherford signed with an ECHL team, the Charlotte Checkers. He is another Chief I will miss. He is so lovely at agitation, very Avery. There was that time he received a two minute penalty for hair pulling. Oh yes please… Drayson Bowman sorted things out with the Carolina Hurricanes and is close to scoring a slot on their roster. But I have a feeling Bows will enjoy one more season with the Chiefs.
Ugh, is summer over yet? While it’s all hot out, be sure to pick up a Tokarski Saves shirt You would look great rockin’ one at the beach. You can even get it in tank top version, to tan even more of your surface area. Seriously, buy some merch. Funny thing, my job caught on fire. There was an incident at Sonic, not my fault. Anyways not entirely sure when I am working again. Sooooo, help keep a girl stocked on Dr Peppers. Eyebleaf picked up a hoodie. Trust him, he is a goalie. He approves.
Metsola got light up like a Christmas tree. I think we may have broken him actually. The first 3ish minutes goals were slide in by Mitch Wahl and Judd Blackwater. Then a ‘Cane hit one in. Whatever, they can have one. Though they tried to claim one before that, kicking the puck past Dustin Tokarski, which after review was waved off. David Rutherford scored in the second. Which was a quick and quiet period. Third period; Drayson Bowman scores and Ondrej Roman score.
Overall the game was neat and clean with very few penalties. I think the Chiefs perhaps were checking like they meant it. Something I politely request a bit ago. I thought the Hurricane fans in attendance was impressive given the epic length of the trip to Spokane. Roughly 8.5 hours.
For serious, how are you going to call your team the Hurricanes? Ain’t no way that Lethbridge is tropical. Or coastal for that matter.
Final damage; 5-2 Chiefs. The best of 7 series is at 2-0 Chiefs.
Why you should love Dustin Tokarski (stats taken from tonight’s program);
Chiefs goaltender Dustin Tokarski was named the Western Conference Championship MVP with four wins, two shutouts, a 1.21 GAA and .953 save percentage. In his last nine games, Dustin Tokarski has three shutouts and a 1.07 goals against average and a .956 save percentage. During the span, Tokarski had a stretch of 186:15 without allowing a goal breaking the previous record of 180:54 set in 1995-96 by David Lemanowicz in the regular season. Tokarski’s mark is fifth all-time in WHL playoff history.
Other bits;
Dear Habs,
Thanks for breaking my fucking heart. I gave you my heart and you gave me a pen! And by “pen” I mean an unreliable Carey Price in the third period!
Love,
Heather
So, for hot, sweaty Stanley Cup action I pick four teams to support; Caps, Flames, Habs and Rangers. Not exactly in that order. But there is some logic behind it. I am not one for the Avs. Forsberg pisses me off. Hating the Red Wings is like, a given. I refuse to accept Hockey Jesus as my Savior. Danny Briere is like, too emo to even function. Oh and Dallas and San Jose; it never fucking snows in your locales. Ever. The Caps gave up a fight. Ovie was actually playing in a ton of pain. On painkillers in fact, but he didn’t want to talk about it. The Flames were stonewalled. The Habs put their money on Price, who at the end of the day still is a rook and prone to mistakes. And the Rangers are about toast. Avery had an unfortunate injury but played with internal bleeding. What have you done lately? So now, who do I support? No one, probably. I am bitter and hate everyone.
Drayson Bowman, you were totally brills last night. That power play goal in the first was a beauty (from Trevor Glass and Jared Spurgeon) and Lethbridge so never saw it coming. Also you know what else was brills in the first period? The Hurricanes ever impressive zero shots on goal. That is something to be proud of.
Then in the second, Bowman delivered another beauty passed by Spurgeon and Chris Bruton. Alright, so then Lethbridge finally threw a few shots up. Which were actually pretty shitty SOGs. Also, Tyler Johnson pretty much rules. He pulled off a gorgeous, gorgeous shorthanded unassisted goal. ‘Canes goalie Metsola thought he had Tyler’s number. He was wrong. Also, Metsola is jealous of Tyler’s pretty Jim Halpert hair.
Judd Blackwater continued his reign of awesome with a goal assisted by Stefan Ulmer and Justin Falk in the third. Blackwater has not disappointed in this hot post season action…
Oh and then a ‘Cane scored. Fuck that guy. He got lucky. But nothing to worry about. Final damage of 4-1, Spokane.
Also, the red out was pretty weak last night. No rally towels to be had. Instead, some weaksauce pom poms. Yeah, give a bunch of sugared up tykes some poms to fling around. Excellentttttt ideaaaaa, Chiefs Marketing.
Alright, so let’s get down to it. It all could have been stitched up last night. Except it wasn’t. Another overtime loss.
Judd Blackwater scored a beauty in the first period assisted by Mitch Wahl and Jared Cowen. The second a goal from an Am. LAME. But there was plenty of chance and enough time for the Chiefs to score, but it just wasn’t happening.
Third period. More of the same fucking shit. Tied up and going into overtime. Then an Am, RED-dick to be precise, smacked in the game winner. And I about clawed the eyes out of the dick Ams fan in front of me. Sweetie, 1985 called, they want their frosted hair back.
I swear it was those motherfucking rally towels the arena handed out before the game (which were handy wiping cotton candy stickiness off). In theory, a rally towel was not needed because the series was at 3-2. But I am convinced those unholy scraps of terry sealed our fate to tie it all up.
So Chiefs, here is what I ask of you tonight. Bust your fucking balls, but do not get sloppy and take penalties. Cowen, you could stand to smarten up a tad. You were all over the place last night. Tokarski, stick just a bittttt closer to your pipes. And can we please check like we fucking mean it? I am sick of this love tap collision shit. Check a bitch! No really, I want to see that y’all mean business.
Can we please just win a fucking trophy? I will settle for the Western Conference. Because let’s face it, regardless who comes out of this is going to be slaughtered by Lethbridge. I’d love for my Chiefs to win it all, because it would coincide nicely with my birthday. But hey, I will take what I can get.
Also, David Rutherford, I know you have some agitator tendencies in you. Let’s crank your Sean Avery status to 11. That would be amazing. You don’t have to wave your hands in front of Pickard. But nudge nudge…
Ondrej Roman, just keep being you. You have been absolutely brilliant this series, I can’t hate. All I can say is, peeps Roman can’t do it alone.
I do not suggest slacking off in this game. Otherwise I will fucking cut you.
Apparently, as soon as I posted about last night, the Chiefs won. Which is pretty much amazing.
Most curious is perusing the box scores is the fact that the Ams were outshooting us like whoa. But in the first Judd Blackwater scored in the first from Chris Bruton and Ondrej Roman. Oh but then an Am scored. Ugh. Second period, oh look another Am scored. Ain’t nothing but a g thang since Drayson Bowman scored twice in the second (Bruton and Mitch Wahl; Stefan Ulmer and Trevor Glass). Oh then it all was tied up in the third. Time to hit overtime, again. Which had me hoping Dustin Tokarski wouldn’t swoop behind the pipes and basically give a goal to the Ams.
And he didn’t. The game winner came from the stick of Blackwater set up Roman and Justin Falk.
I am getting ready to watch the Rangers/Pens game and apparently Sid the Kid decides when to allow the Pens fans to do a White Out. What in the fuck? This kid is the head cheerleader of the spirit squad? Does he tell the other cheerleaders when to decorate the football team’s lockers and who gets to ride in the stretch Hummer to prom? Also, this kid should never talk to the media, ever. People say David Beckham should be seen and not heard. I’d have to say the same about Sid. Except I do not find the Cros attractive at all.
Mr Avery, I hope you get up in Sid’s face/grill/kool aid, etc. Also, Avery if you could score a couple of goals, that would be great. I am in need of some points for my fantasy hockey team.
Regardless of team, can players please stop fucking blaming the game on the condition of the ice? It’s called being adaptable. Try it sometime.
Ahhhh. So nice to be home in my arena. With lots of legroom. And not having to wait ten minutes to take a piss.
Fun stuff. The arena was on fire tonight. Not figuratively like “oh the Chiefs are smoking the Ams!” It was on fire, as in the giant scoreboard shorted and caused a fire of unknown size. And roughly eight firefighters were crawling around the rafters. The game was not stopped. I talked to a section leader and I guess they were ready to evacuate the arena. But alas, no. The game barreled on.
Which is good. No momentum was ruined. Ondrej Roman scored in the first period from David Rutherford and Judd Blackwater. This line is amazing, and has been stellar. The playoffs really has been Roman’s Empire. Then in the third period Rutherford scored from Seth Compton and it was glorious.
Dustin Tokarski was his usual golden self. I was actually sorta paying attention to his ticks tonight. That kid must take forever to wash his hands. I don’t care, he gets the job done.
Alright, what is there to be said about last night’s game? Oh, that it was nearly the same game as Friday. And the winning goal did not occur until the second overtime period. Except it was the Ams and not the Chiefs. I won’t lie I was getting a bit tired in the break before the second overtime. I recall whining, “I am missing the Rock of Love reunion.”
It was a nice and neat game. For the most part all the Ams fans were all nice and my non-existent billy club was not needed. Though the music at the game? Oh god was it awful. It was like every band I have ever hated. Played the entire time. Oh and the Cotton Eyed Joe. Boys and men everywhere tore off their shirts. Twirled them over head. My eyes burned. I felt a little vomm coming on.
I will never support the shirt off twirling it overhead unless I am around men of David Beckham caliber. If Clive Owen or Gerard Butler wanted to do that, I’d be like “well shit, ok.” But you, dollface? Put your fucking shirt back on.
I really hope the next games do not go into two overtime periods. Because I am a girl who does not handle stress well.
Now for some pictures of my pretty, pretty boys.
Ulmer.
I see you baby, shakin’ that ass.
Your goaltender.
Mr Blackwater.
El Capitan.
Ok so the Chiefs game is on Comcast but I can’t watch it because I don’t get Comcast. And the boyfriend is with a wicked cold and I am not going over to his house to watch it. So I pull up the scores on the WHL site. I think I am being punk’d. The game is tied at 0-0 in the third? For serious?
Thank you, Tokarski. But serious, Roman-Rutherford? Make something happen.
Alright, after TWO overtime periods the Chiefs win. Nice!
Just who was it? ROMAN! From Judd Blackwater.
So whenever I say Ondrej Roman’s name. I say it like Santino from Project Runway imitating Tim Gunn. Which is like this;
And the Chiefs sweep Everett! That’s right, ‘Tips. Chiefs drink your milkshake, they drink it right up.
That perhaps was an overused joke to some Academy Award winning movie that I was saving in my back pocket. But I got it all out of my system.
Judd Blackwater, Mitch Wahl and Levko Koper had goals against the ‘Tips and Dustin Tokarski was in the pipes.
The Chiefs will kick off games one and two of the next round at home versus the Vancouver Giants. The Giants have the ever so stellar Tyson Sexsmith, whose supreme goalie status rivals that of Saint Tokarski. Game one will take place Friday April 4th and game two will be Sunday the 6th.
I did not listen to the Chiefs game last night because I was too deep into the Avs/Canucks massacre. Luongo was having a terrible night and really just needs a break. Sanford is a mediocre back up goalie and the ‘Couv cannot expect Luo to carry the team all the time.
Back to the Chiefs;
Scoring in the first period was Levko Koper. Ondrej Roman scores in the second from David Rutheford and Judd Blackwater. Silvertip Gendur also scored in the second. Drayson Bowman smacks one in the third from Chris Bruton and Mitch Wahl. Then Judd Blackwater slides in an empty-netter from Jared Cowen and Jared Spurgeon. Final score 4-1 Chiefs. Dustin Tokarski stopped 28 of 29 shots.
Friday is a must win situation Everett. Which has me wondering if they will be out for blood. Or if this will not be the case given the Remparts incident.
The playoffs were kicked off by well, kicking the shit out of Everett. The first period saw the Chiefs 3-3 on the power play. Bowman, Rutherford and Blackwater scored in the first. A ‘Tip snuck in a top shelfer beginning of the second, but Bruton returned the favor. Everett scored in the third. But all was well as Bowman smacked in his second for the evening.
Everett was out for blood as usual. Harty (by Harty I mean Crowley) tried to start a fight with Bruton but he was smart enough to skate off so Harty was in the box on instigating. Clearly, the Chiefs have their head in the right place. It was quick and muscular play tonight. Tokarski was brilliant in the pipes, he had amazing defense to work with. I was impressed with how hard the boys were skating, particularly Rutherford.
Final score: 5-2 Spokane.
Chiefs are at home again tomorrow against Everett.
download: bring da ruckus by wu tang clan
Portland starts their 1-17(!!!!!!!!!) goalie. No, that is not a typo. First, how do you allow a goalie to get that fucking terrible? Second, why are you still keeping him around? I could be a better goalie. Strap some mattresses on me and I am good to go. Anyways. So, within the first minute and some change. Goal. Ten seconds later. Goal. One second after that, Portland goalie pulled.
Really, it was too easy and felt kinda mean. Because Portland is a not so hot team. So it was like, Portland was some cute, meek chick. Then some sex bomb like Clive Owen just stormed in and was like “panties off” and you have to listen. Because he is Clive Owen and he has that deep and commanding voice. Portland was steamrolled.
Posting goals:
Mitch Wahl-2
Jared Spurgeon-1 (and 3 assists!)
Justin McCrae-1
Chris Bruton-1
Army had an easy night in the pipes. Final score 5-1
Judd Blackwater was the player magnet.
Oh the Buck Night Curse. I never thought I would see Tokarski being yanked after 3 goals slid by. I really thought it would never come to that. Something was just amiss with Tokarski. You could see he was mad at himself and was disappointed at the short handers. So Army shows up. He stops some pucks. I was relieved. Tyler Johnson had a goal as did Judd Blackwater. Bouncing back seemed possible.
Then, it all went sour. It was a round of terrible calls, mostly in favor of the Ams. The Chiefs were bleeding out and no band aid was going to fix this mess. Colton Yellow Horn had two goals. Of all the Tri City players to get two goals, it had to be the one with the biggest attitude problem. Yellow Horn, show some spine. You consistently act impolite and fans call you out. You should not yell back at fans and pop your jersey at us. Is the A on your jersey mean Asshole? Some fans were booted without warning for heckling Yellow Horn which is unfortunate and disappointing. Yellow Horn didn’t play the last four minutes because he probably would have been beaten to exta pulpy orange juice.
Levko Koper had a fight. As did Judd Blackwater. I think I am missing another.
From the bench, Tokarski was yelling at Ams goalie Pichard. I was expecting gloves to drop. Army was also exchanging words across the ice for Pichard. It seemed like a 2 vs. 1 goalie fight could go down, but never materialized.
The final damage was 7-2 Ams.
Next game is Monday, the rescheduled game from Friday against Seattle.
Maybe Monday there will be more of an effort and no phoning it in.
If you have any tips, phone numbers, mayhjah issues, Mustache Monday submissions or don't like the flavor of Haterade; wraparoundcurl@gmail.com
On the docket;
Toronto: Spring Break. The TO could use a dame of my caliber.
hockey boyfriend power rankings.
1. Dustin Tokarski, you will probably always occupy the number one slot. Nice job ninjaing the starting goalie slot for the Admirals.. 2 Kyle Beach, we are just like John Bender and Clare Standish in the Breakfast Club and I sorta love you. 3. Milan Lucic, babe I think I am suffering from Lucic Lust... 4. Sean Avery, you scored two goals on the Leafs and all I could do was giggle.
