Goalie in Green

Uhm…Panel? We owe Ryan Classic hugely. Like, epically gi-hugic even. He’s been snapping pics of our darling James Reid at Canucks camp. I know right?

Time for a picspam!

Ryan, thank you so much for keeping tabs on our goalie boy. We totally appreciate it. And I also have someone keeping an eye on a Mr Tokarski and I’m told I will be getting pictures of him too.

I like this one.

It’s Thursday which means its time for Cheesecake. Who is the fox this week?

In the Red.

Normally, Thursday is just a picspam of some hottie dudes so I and others can coo over abs and lickable eyebrows. But it has been mentioned by a few perhaps, that some would appreciate pictures of stunning ladies. And I’d have to agree. So, here’s your cheesecake boyos.

Riding the Pine.

It’s Thursday. That is Mancandy Day around here. Did I pick an athlete? Actor? Musician? Cartoon character?

Hit it.

phoning it in.

Oh man I need to write a real post. For now I will have a GIF Party! I have found these in various places on the interwebs.

I hope these made your Monday suck less. I promise I am working on new content. Including finishing up the Puppy Party. Love you, babes.

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me

Beware the Ides of March. Mostly I’d beware of Darcy Tucker. He is a generally deranged looking individual and I love him for it. It’s his birthday. And I saw him score a goal last night in the Avs game. I IM’d Jammies and said “I need the most insane picture possible of Darcy Tucker.” He quickly produced some images to fill my request;

go for the eyes, duh.

I WILL MURDER YOU SO HARD.

A dish fit for the gods. Ok so according to the paper 11 Chiefs got together for a card game Thursday (shouldn’t they have been resting up for the game?) and ordered pizza and Chinese food. They apparently became ill with severe food poisoning. Little Jar Jar Spurgeon and Levko (the Lionhearted) Koper were fighting it Friday and barfing in between periods. The paper used a more delicate wording than my choice. Now there are five players not illin’, and I am curious which ones were good boyos and staying home on a Thursday night getting their homework done and writing about symbolism in A Tale of Two Cities and not out playing cards. I hope they were playing with Pokemon cards or Magic the Gathering cards. Silly boys. Get better.

Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more. The return of Sean Avery warms my cold little heart. I love the eff out of him. Say what you will but his being back with the Rangers, he is reppin’ it. Today he notched two power play goals. Excellent. Sean still needs to call me so he can take me shopping. Hell, I’d be happy with him buying me some of the Alexander McQueen stuff that is at Target. I friggen LOVE Target.

you look good in blue, babycakes.

Et tu, Brute? Listen to the 8 bit hop hop medley. It’s amazing. I love it.

Hookers, Victims and Doormats.

I was cruising through Puck Huffers and they tipped me off to the existence of the Scarlet Caps, which is the female version of the Washington Capitals site. UGH. This might be more offensive than pink jerseys. THE WEBSITE LOOKS LIKE A BROTHEL. No really. Go look, it’s crushed velvet everywhere. And then there is the headshots of the talent, I mean escorts, no wait hookers. Oh, the players. Huh. This is site is apparently about hockey. I don’t get it. Clearly the person running this madness believes presenting hockey in the format of a Cosmo mag or Sex and the City is THE way to get the womenfolk in on this. And why is it called scarlet? Is it like harlot? Because all women are whores? I mean there is the whole, I dunno, Scarlet Letter and being an adultress. And you know? I have referenced that book in posts a few other times which is crazy given how much I hate it.

hey babe, I got tattoos...

Ok so real talk; I sorta have a thing for Mike Green. But this picture. Uhhhh no. I no longer have a thing for him. And that tattoo bicep thing makes me giggle and as for tribal ink, on most dudes that’s a “danger, douche rocket” alert. And his hair is lacking the anime pop that I used to find so charming. I think I might be over him.

hey babe like my big...composite stick?

I feel like Tyra Banks for what I am about to write. Milan you have excellent and dynamic bone structure you just need to know how to work it. See, I have a huge forehead and when I was in Paris modeling I needed be be less RAWR and more Ahw soft and subtle. You see the difference? Do that with your chin. You can take Ahhhhhmazinggggg pictures, but I don’t know if you have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Model.

hey babe...this is my thoughtful face.

“So join now, ’cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there’s more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?”

hey babe...vampires are so in

I think it’s only fair that for any dude who has been involved with Paris Hilton that their bio comes with some sort of STI/STD warning and perhaps some Valtrex. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE SHAVE YOUR FACE. It looks awkward. You like an extra for Twilight. Not that I would know at all. I am just saying you look like a super, low rent bargain basement version of the vaguely hot dude from Twilight the media tells me to like.

hey babe...zippers are easy.

His hoodie doesn’t have a shirt under it. It bugs me sooooo much. Am I supposed to undress him with my eyes or something? Honestly Shaone looks like a bleary eyed gamer who was interrupted in the middle of grinding out rep for a really sweet two hander epic. A Rockstar and some Doritos should perk him up.

At the end of each bio I was surprised there wasn’t a eHarmony link so they could match the dudes with someone who looks like their sister and then they could get married and talk about their dog and how they love doing Sudoku together for a Friday night date. No really I “get” the concept of catering the game to the ladies but for those of us who already are fans, it feels like a smack in the face. I understand the need for chicks to feel some comfort in the sport. But the eye candy pics and ridiculously girlie wallpapers. I am half surprised the site doesn’t have sparkles and My Little Pony. It’s all so Chippendales, minus the tearproof G-strings. C’mon NHL, treat  your dames better…

(all pics via Scarlet Caps)

THIS HAS NOT GONE WELL.

Ok so the title may be a bit of an understatment. The game was shit. The boys were tired. Three games back to back and I’d be a bit lazy. But that doesn’t change the fact the Chiefs kindaaaaa phoned it in with the Giants and got stomped on. Last night they emerged victorious in a shootout against…some team? And then they were back home tonight to play the Kelowna Rockets. Who have some sort of sea monster on their jersey. The Panel cornered a healthy scratch Rocket and asked about their jerseys. To be quite honest we didn’t hear a lot of what he said. He is dreammmmmy. He did inform us they have a raccoon for a mascot. WTF? Oh wait…game. Yes. That. Uhhhhh….welllll….Here is a super blurry pic of Jared Cowen in the press box to give you an idea;

oh god it burnssssss

Wait, that doesn’t give a good enough idea? Ok how about this one…

seriously. I can't believe this is happening...

In the third period Ondrej Roman was straight up robbed of a goal for no effing reason.  On his birthday. I thought a riot was going to break out. Actually I was hoping one would DAMN THE MAN! SAVE THE EMPIRE. That goal would have tied it all up. But nooooooooo. Get a war room WHL. Kthxbai. I am not messing around when it comes to junior. Uhm, Chiefs lose 2-1. Jared Cowen get cupcakes one because he is all hurty. And two he was clearly distraught in the press box. Ondrej Roman get cupcakes for his birthday. And for being robbed of a goal.

Come on boys, hold it together.

Spurgalicious definition; the megapost edition

Ok so The Panel and I decided this had to be like the best game. Ever. Of all time. Where do I begin with the utter awesomeness? Ok welllllll I thought Ondrej Roman was going to punch someone. He was getting feisty. I laiiiike it. I laiiiiike it a lot. So many goals scored by the Chiefs and Dustin Tokarski was flawless. Again. 6-0, thanks for coming out Kootenay. The Ice started to show their frustrations in the second when the fights started breaking out. Levko Koper fought again. You know what? Here is your penalty summary;

whoa.

At one point the Ice decided to get all up in Tokarski’s Kool Aid which he never takes kindly to. There was smack talk with the Ice goalie. I was hoping with my heart of hearts for a goalie fight. But he knew better. Instead he popped his jersey and pointed at the scoreboard. I sure do pick the good ones.

Anyways I could probably go on about how the Chiefs were great and fighting the bounciness of the puck in the first and the passing was quite lovely. I mean Tyler Johnson had two goals and Bowman, Donaghy, Spurgeon and Wahl put some points up. But instead, let’s do a picture post.

Wahl and Spurgalicious observe fisticuffs.

"I said your mom is a real classy lady!"

the awesome mask. until I come up with a better name than the girlie mask.

Andddddd Luke Schenn continues to be on my top list of hockey boyfriends. I mean I am a sucker for defenseman and goalies…and fowards….shit. Oh I am off task. Yes, Schenngasms. He just shows undending enthusiasm that reminds me of Scrappy Doo. His “lemme at em”-ness is just charming and endearing. I am quite aware I am not the only one swooning. I think The Vesa is too;

they laiiiike each other. they laiiiike each other a lot. no that joke doesn't get old.

What really sealed the deal was this video clip. YOU GOT SCHENN’D, PENS!

Schenn call me? You can email me too. Or facebook me. Or IM me. Really. I luff you.

Oh shit, I forgot to do cupcakes. Uhm I’d give a bunch to Toka for being studly. And then some for everyone else. Extra for Jared Cow Cow as he is out injured. Get better, kitten! Your other half misses you. I mean, you two are The Jareds.

Lick it up baby. Lick it up.

You know, thanks a lot WHL. Really. You never want people to see games, like ever. Unless they pay some outrageous fee to stream in some soddy internet player.

So what did I miss last night when the Chiefs were on the road? Oh nothing but complete sexiness. Seriously. So many cupcakes to give out. The sexy kind. Really hot. The Chiefs played the Kyle Beach-less Everett Silvertips. So all I have is the scoring summary to imagine the hottness that was a 9-1 victory. For starts? The Jareds were plus 4. What a wonderful defensive duo. Throwing their weight around and getting the job done. Dustin Tokarski in the pipes on a Wednesday? Odd. Dustin Tokarski stopping 19 of 20? Typical. And awesome. Ondrejjjjjjj Romannnnn scoring another goal? I think it’s getting hot in here. Brady Calla/Brody Jenner had a goal too. I just might ease up on him a tad. I might. It’s up for discussion with The Panel. Do I need to go through nine goals I didn’t even witness? No. Let’s kick it scoring summary style.

it's called motivation.

Cupcakes. For all of you. Let’s keep it going, shall we?

overloaded;

This was a quite the stuffed day for me and hockey. I was in one of the legendary and classic Melt Your Face Off liveblogs for the skills competition. It came out of nowhere but I think I am crushing on Evgeni Malkin. As I told the Puck Huffers regarding Malkin: What is this feeling in my swimsuit areas? I was told to get used to it. So yes there were things? Also I have a thing for Jay Bouwmeester I think. He looks like he’d do my math homework for me. Like I could somehow lure him in by talking Warcraft then BAM! Homeboy is standard deviation’ing it all up for me. What a kitten. Tim Thomas looks like he works at the Home Depot making him oddly appealing. Like he is a radass goalie, then he’d caulk my tile and find studs to hang shit up. Dreamy right?

CAREY PRICE: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLZ CALL ME?

Also on my CALL ME! list are; Shea Weber, Vinny Lecav (even if that is a COSBY SWEATAHHHHH!) and Zach Parise.

Other things occured outside of my superficial musings. Andrew Cogliano skated ridiculously fast. Alexander Ovechkin won the breakaway naturally. Malkin snagged the accurate mothafucka of the evening. Zdeno Chara scared people by smacking a puck at 105 miles an hour. Terrifying. Absolutely.

For the Strapping Young Gents Game it was the Frosh vs the Sophs. Blah blah. LUKE SCHENN SCORED A GOAL.

Luke Schenn is relentless.

Photo evidence of the goal here.

Then tonight the Chiefs took on the Tri City Americans for one of the things I hate most in this world and that is CheerStix/Buck Night. Seriously, they should hand out Vicodin at the door or something. The game was allegedly sold out. But those with corporate season tickets usually can’t bother to show up. Whatever. Carry on.

I was actually dreading this game since I know that Tri has been on quite the rampage. Pessimist here, remember that. The game was actually quite brilliant. Ondrej Roman continues his streak of being Mr Productive. And I must say it’s quite hot. Ondrej should have been back a while ago, who knows how many billions of points he would have had by now. Dustin Tokarski continues to wear the girlie mask which might need renamed since he wins with it. Brady Calla/Brody Jenner scored on the penalty kill in the first and I wondered if I was high. The second period was chock-full of dramz. There were fights. Like a ton of them within the first few seconds of the period.

TXT from Schultzie; what the fuck?!

TXT reply from WAC;I have noooooooo clue. I don’t know who your fighters are. But ours are sooooooo not Cowen and Koper.

That’s right Levkooooo Koperrrr fought. And so did Jared Cowen. He does not like it when people get close to Tokarski. It was quite strange. Since Cowen is someone I have always viewed as some enormous puppy. Then he was like RAWR SMASH. It was interesting. Oh Drayson Bowman fought twice in the game. What is going on with that boy? Holy penalties….Anyways the Chiefs won. The boys looked very sharp and crisp. Oops I accidentally typed Crips the first time. They are so gangsta. Anyways the passing was charming and the goals were pretty. There were alleged Chalupas.

OMG CUTE NEWS ITEM NUMBER ONE: Drew Owsley is like the most adorable little goalie evarrrrrr. I wanted to feed him cookies and Capri Suns. He is a baby, shorter than Tokarski. I just wanted to hug him and carry him around with me. Also in OMG CUTE NEWS ITEM NUMBER TWO: the Hockey Armor tiny tot picked to stand with the starting line was tres adorbs. Some little five year old. I assume Toka was cooing “skate over here kiddo….” He was better than I would be on skates. Then it looked like he was skating for the Ams bench and Tyler Johnson was like “thisaway.” OMG CUTE NEWS ITEM NUMBER THREE: During some play Tokarski like jumped in the air like he was clicking his heels or something. I for sure I laughed out loud.

hazing the frosh.

My girlies and I like to goss and chatter. And the Chiefs posted the roster pics for the newbs. And some others were updated. I think all of them should have been updated since the first batch looks like Vasaline lens roster pics. All those pics were missing was some Sade and candles. Shittttt. Dare we examine the new ones?

I do not advise playing hockey in hookercouture.

I happen to be something of a reality show afficianado/junkie/obsessive. My forays into Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model have been batted around here a few times. I have quite the intense relationship with Vh1. It’s good to me. It’s adequately trashy and brainless with the occasional nuggets of smarts. This episode of Rock of Love: Tour Bus of STIs (sexually transmitted infections, not super turbo injections) finds the chicks somewhere in Illinois. I think the town was called Champagne to the delight of the boozers of the group which is all of them. The challenge was to protect Baby Brett, on ice. And honestly. EW;

I think this could serve as effective birth control.

Brett, that is one wackass weave. I mean really. And that eyeliner, egads. Put it down. Just stop, really. Now let’s met the ladiesssssssss…..

there must be some Toros in the atmosphere.

not naturally occuring.

her cups runneth over....

They have names. I didn't take notes. Brittni? Tiffani? Brandi? Does it matter?

"oh like....does she like have a concussion?" "that's a bummer"

medical scare! potential popped implants!

This episode actually had more hockey in than Pucked did. Which says something. But both had past their prime rockers, no points awarded? The goal was to maneuver Baby Brett between the pipes and there was some point system. It couldn’t be that easy as some chicks who actually can play were brought in to break up the monotony and inflict pain. Ohhhh and pain for sure happened. Ripped out belly rings! Ruptured fake boobies! Concussions!

I thought bellyrings went out like, circa Britney's I'm a Slave For You.

This is the real gem of the show which I ninja recorded to share with you my darlings;

UPDATE: Wysh linked this on Puck Daddy then VH1 filed a claim on it on YouTube within like five minutes, despite the fact it had already been up for about 4 days. My first copyright infringement! WOOOOOO. Sorry, the vid is gone. I will see if I can upload it elsewhere.

That is right. She would have been an Olympian if she didn’t have to hang up her skates. But she is ok with the fact she does porn now, ok? Right?!

I just might have to go back and snatch the footage of the chick freaking out with the EMT about her possibly leaking boob. “Are they uhhhh silicone or saline?” “How am I supposed to know that?”"Get an X-ray.”

What did the winners get out of this? A date with Brett at a strip club. Wherein he strongarmed them to go on stage and dance about. A few had no probs with this request. While one was smart enough to realize; 1. she has kids 2. she is in a strip club 3. this is being recorded and 4. the whole joint shouldn’t see her twazila for free, that’s just economics.

One of the chicks, for reasons unknown, stole all the used hockey socks after the game and stashed them in a pillow case on the bus. In the confessional she insisted she asked the people at the rink if she could have the used socks. And really I don’t need a punchline because that is just too weird.

Really, Sean Avery should have cameo’d on this epi of Rock of Love. But I think even he has standards.

the man with the midas touch.

“If I can’t do it, well then it can’t be done homey,

That's hawt.

Now I’m gonna gonna let the champagne bottle pop,
I’m gonna take it to the top,
For sure I’m gonna make it hot, baybeeeeee….”

Yeah, I quoted 50 Cent. You wanna make something of it? No? Alright. Well Dustin Tokarski hit his stride and did quite a lovely job for the gold medal game. I was sweating the game like whoa. Worse than Canada/US game. I didn’t know if Dustin could bring the thunder twice and braced myself for a doomsday scenario where Sweden blows out Canada then proceeds to rape and pilage and slaughter goats and demand flagons of meade and all the finest virgins. Doomsday viking style, clearly. Oh does Canada have goats? Whatever. I think I held my breath the entire game, it was that nervewracking. I don’t know how the players do it. From the start Toka seemed more in his element. He was sharper and crisper and clearing the puck and eliminating sloppy rebound potential. I chilled after the first period. I still was waiting for it to blow up. It couldn’t be this easy. There has to be some devasting injury or an epic rash of penalities. But Canada hung on and Tokarski was a fortress. The fortress I remembered from the Memorial Cup.  And at some point I was like “holy fuck he is doing it again and he might get a shutout.” Alas, the shutout happening was soured but he held strong, slamming downing his pads and batting away everything the Swedes tossed at him. Watching the game I was struck by just the joy and enthusiasm that John Tavares and PK Subban have for hockey. You could just see how thrilled they were to be there and how hard they were grinding for number five. It’s the kind of hockey I love. The unspoiled kind. I am not the only one who has noticed these two, Steve Dangle wrote a great post about the duo and an interesting proposal and scenario. So what is John Tavares next big move? Well a London Knight. But as for Tokarski? He will be welcomed back to Spokane with a gold medal and an MVP award. Homeboy is gonna need a bigger shelf for all those trophies. He also signed a contract with the Tampa Bay Lightning which means something, but not really. I am not sure how exactly Tokarski will fit into the Lightning organization since for starters it’s a goddamn circus. They are a bit busy trying to turn Steve Stamkos into the next Sidney Crosby. Hey how is that working? Oh yeah, not so hot. But they aren’t exactly hurting in the goalie department. So as for Toka joining the NHL ranks, that’s a bit off. Which is a reliefs for Chiefs fans. And for the team, which at times rests a bit heavy on their skilled netminder.

still full of awesome with a side of radsauce.

Click for TSN interview.

Things I like you should download;

If I Can’t Be a Champion; Queen vs 50 Cent

Genesis by Justice

Party and Bullshit by Notorious BIG remixed by Ratatat

sippin on haterade.

Oh to be typing away while hungover. Let’s get down to it shall we? The Chiefs played. Well, allegedly played. A game took place. Their actual effort ehhh. Congrats Portland, on scoring your tenth win of the season.

Sans faux hawk.

“I just tried my hardest you know. We have a good team and lot of good guys you know and it just showed…you know and we lucked out at the end. Yeah I just continue to be amazing you know.” Loose transcription of a TSN interview with Dustin Tokarski.