leviathan in the pipes.

I have always been fascinated with the way people try to divide their character and the character of others into groups. It’s probably Quentin Tarantino’s fault we think like this. Jay Z versus Snoop Dogg is my generations Pulp Fiction debacle. See, you have the classic Gin n Juice where Snoop rocks a Pens jersey in the vid or the motherfucking jam 99 Problems and as far as I know Jigga Man is not a Rangers fan.

I had to a terrible shift last night, 6pm to 2:30am at Victoria’s Secret. Why I was there at that time and what I was doing is not the point. The point is, these women have their own character set that I have no idea how to interact with. They had a 20 minute conversation on tanning methods. I would know the length of the conversation because I set my watch as I was hanging up the Very Sexy Infinity Edge Push Up with Gel Curve bras. Apparently, there are multiple tanning methods aside from making like human bacon with Crisco/Coppertone slathered on. You can do beds, or spraying, or a combination. I had no words for this conversation as I currently am, and almost always, the color of a sheet of paper.

All these girls looked pretty much the same and looked at me odd for rocking my Tokarski Saves shirt. They had no idea what it meant, even with the goalie graphic on the shirt. A few asked but most didn’t, because I don’t really get along with them and they probably all think I am a lezzebell because I don’t wear heels to work and I don’t dye my hair every two and a half weeks. They were all an entirely different breed. They eagerly talked about summer plans that involved lakes, getting drunk in Mexico. Maybe perhaps all going together with their boyfriends to a baseball game so they could talk to each other and not have to watch the game.

I was struck with how little I have lined up for summer. All I have going is a mental estimate of when training camps kick into gear and the hockey drought ends. Oh, and I also have lined up getting the fuck out of Victoria’s Secret, seeing as I do not jive with those broads. But on a people basis as a whole, there are hockey people and non-hockey people.

The non-hockey type view it like Thomas Hobbes without even realizing it. That hockey players/human nature is nasty and brutish. However, they aren’t realizing that they do not have suffer the potential consequences (death, dismemberment, curbstomping, beatdowns, shiv fights, drunken boxing, etc.) because we came together to form a social contract (second amendment for the win!). It’s our agreement for societal organization (uh yea about that president..), theory of sovereignty (fuck your tea, England!) and the states existence to protect the citizens (enlist today for a Hello Kitty AK-47).

These bitches are free to go get a Venti whatever four dollar coffee (mostly) without fear of some rebels coming by scratching their Lexi and being bludgeoned.

Every hockey game is a struggle to implement and execute a social contract. In a sense it’s a model for a potential democratic state. In terms of the Chiefs, the defensemen establish the contract for the game being played. Trevor Glass and Jared Cowen smack down any divisive forces, laying the groundwork for democracy. Glasser and CowCow will hit hard and fast at the opposition to allow for the wingers to draft legislation. Drayson Bowman and Ondrej Roman work in conjunction with Glasser and CowCow to hopefully create opportunities for the boyo at the center, Tyler Johnson, to score a goal and silence the combative dissenters. The last line of defense is the netminder Dustin Tokarski. He is there to shift the chaos back to order when any puck comes near him, as this is an act by a hostile nation (suicide bomb attempt) and could become an international conflict (oh hey wassup every country who hates us…). If the contract is crafted and executed successfully, victory will take place and will come with an explode (conquest fire) on contact Memorial Cup.

So when I ask you if you are a hockey person or not, what I am really getting at is; are you for or against the troops?

22 thoughts on “leviathan in the pipes.

  1. Amen, sister. That post was one of the greatest things I’ve ever read.

    “They were all an entirely different breed.”

    Where do they come from? And “lezzebell?” Most hilarious word ever. I’m using it. I need to find some way to use it.

  2. Ok….first time I have left a comment. I am not sure how I even came across this blog……..You are one cool chick. I have been a Chiefs fan since I was a little girl and am now in my early 30’s. I love your blog and continue to look for new posts daily. I’m for the troops, sista!

  3. @RD: I am considering examining hockey using Jean Jacques Rousseau’s Social Contract. So uh, suck on that?

    @Jared: Thank you so much! Feel free to link the post if you’d like.

    @Dani: I have no idea where I got lezebell from, but I say it time to time.

    @dave: It’s the same for you, just change all the names. Hahah.

    @April: Thank you so much! I hope to get this thing fine tuned for next season. Link me to all your Chief friendlets!

  4. WOW, you may as well have described my workplace. And I work in Agriculture. My workmates are bitches-all, and think I’m a “lezbell” because I like my Football, Hockey & NASCAR. Go figure…

  5. “At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

    Sorry, I’ve read the Leviathan. This post makes no sense.

  6. @ Jim: Ahw thanks dollface. You are so sweet to waste all the time to type that out on a post you probably didn’t even read. Where would the internet be without trolls like you?

  7. Hmm I thought it was cool. And I’m totally friending you! Wooohoo! *I also responded to the last post, I can’t reist a vote!*

    and wow- Thomas Hobbes- one of the few things I remember from USGOvt class oh those 10 years ago. Yeeeesh I’m old.

    and your description of the VS-skankies was hilarious.

    BTW, I’m also “as I currently am, and almost always, the color of a sheet of paper.” comment make me LOL- and I can completely relate. I’m the only one in my fam who is deadwhite- they all can and do tan like crazy. I burn and therefor spf 45 is my friend. However, I was at the dermatologist yesterday and she seemed (pleasantly) surprised to find anyone, especially a female, in her 20s WITHOUT major sun damage on her shoulders. YAY me! ;)

  8. I’m 100% for the troops. Very poetic, couldn’t have said it better myself.

    You know the warrior-hockey player comparison reminded me of a similar discussion in “Cold-Cocked: On Hockey” by Lorna Jackson. She doesn’t take such a favourable stance on the comparison but it’s an interesting read nonetheless.

    Oh and amen to everything else you said too. I’m a heterosexual female who loves hockey. The two can in fact, coexist harmoniously in one being. How in the world does somebody have a 20 minutes conversation about tanning methods? Don’t they all give you cancer anyways?

  9. Thanks Sherry! And that book is on my summer hockey reading list. I went to Barnes and Noble to pick it up and they said they would have to special order it in and it would take a few weeks.

    As for the tanning, until they can decide whether or not it will cause cancer, I am fine avoiding the sun.

  10. Really? No one else is gonna do it? Okay, if I have to (by which I mean, I take great honor to)

    /slow clap

  11. It’s a great, clever read, you pretty much capture my entire worldview concerning tanning. By the way, on the “Don’t Read… Ever” list? Jonesy. That bullshit sucks.

  12. I have also been subjected to stupid conversations about tanning (I do get some color, but only from working outside stacking hay during summer.) the conversation I was subjected to (while changing for gym and also not trying to seem like a lezebel) was one girl explaining how tanning in a booth was better than tanning outside because “it’s, like, only a contrlled amount of, um, UV instead of, like, the whole sun” or some such idiocy. Needless to say, I kinda felt an urge to start betch slappin’, but I swallowed it.

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