this one time, I went to Canada…

This is the Montreal Post. I am putting it behind a jump since it will gi-hugically long.

I was up bright and early at 5 am on Thursday to make my trek to Montreal. I flew from Spokane into Minneapolis/St Paul and get sorta lost in the airport. But I found my gate, ate the most delicious Quizno’s sandwich of my life and spotted what looked to be some late round draftees.I tried socializing with the draftees but they couldn’t be bothered to talk to some cute girl. Pshaw.

So I get on the plane and a dude sits next to me, pulls out this huge, hulking stack of papers that said in a giant font; NHL PLAYER SALARIES. CONFIDENTIAL. Obvs, I had to do my best to spy. Oh and the name on this book was Chris McAlpine. He flips open the book and starts furiously crossing things off in red pen and making notes. The flight continues and I say to him; “that’s a fancy packet you have there.” And then he told me he was an agent who typically represented American talent. He asked me why I was going to Montreal, and I told him to see where Jared Cowen gets drafted. He was a bit surprised I would do that. He said that Cowen was one of his guys and he was going to go high. Oh and said he would say hi to Cow Cow for me. “Uhhh I don’t really know him…”

I get into Montreal and have to make this long effing walk to the customs corridor. Then I get to the counter and the dude is just like the Night Fox out of Oceans 12. I was sorta waiting for the laser dance. Anyways, I look like hell and this dude is like sorta hitting on me. So I just run with it because well, he can say I can’t come into Canada.

I straggle down to baggage claim then realize I have no effing clue where my giant lugagge is supposed to be. I am ready to freak out but then see it come by on the belt. So I grab it and call Alix so we can find each other in the airport. The boys; Eyebleaf, Archimedies and Furcifer are stuck in traffic, so whatevs. Alix and I finally track each other down and we are both tired and exhausted from being on planes and being up since 5. We eat a bag of jelly beans and wait for the boys to show up.

In the car to the hotel Montreal in some ways looked a lot like Portland, just uhhh French. It was weird seeing KFC ads, en francais.

Montreal is a gorgeous city. All sorts of cool bars and pubs with patios. Because the city doesn’t believe in air conditioning. The AC in the hotel room was broken, I was cranky. The climate and my hair didn’t get along.

alix, me and eyebleaf

alix, me and eyebleaf

furcifer, archi and jaredoflondon

furcifer, archi and jaredoflondon

its a pretty town...

it's a pretty town...

We then went to another bar. Uhhh was it Hurleys? I honestly can’t remember. I do remember after drinking at the patio and running up a huge tab I told some teens in prom attire “I hope you catch clahmydia.” I am a terrible, terrible person. Anyways at the next place I don’t remember how it happen but this kid named Chris came up to us and ranted for about 15 minutes on the Montreal Canadiens, Patrick Roy, “Martin Fleury” and “Roberto who?” This is the brief snippet of him I captured. Language isnt safe for work;

Clearly, he is amazing. And wins at life. Every day. Sorry we didn’t make a hockey vid like we said. We fail. But to be fair no one emailed me questions. We’ll have other chances to make them I imagine.

After a night of bar hopping. And going to an after hours club. We stumble onto the streets of Montreal at 7 am. I am in a black cocktail dress whining for my sunglasses while other reason and more adult people were going to work. After sleeping for about ohhh four hours we geared up for the day ahead. We found out to snag seats at the Bell Center we needed to be there asap. Which is about oh two hours in advance. I know. I know. But we weren’t the first ones there. The man was already on the floor, getting it all done. Ladies and gents; Brian Burke in business mode

tie already loosened

The hilarious video of Burke mic’d up on the floor at the draft;

The Leafs table.

The Leafs table.

PPP or Sexypants. The overlord of Pension Plan Puppets.

skinnyfish is blurred out for some reason, chemmy and jaredoflondon

So before the draft started there were all these rumors floating that the Islanders were going to flip the script and take Matt Duchene over John Tavares. It was insanity. Truly. But we saw this guy who we later met at a bar;

he came prepared

he came prepared

I wanted to throw something at Pierre McGuire.

drink every time he says "monster!"

I did my part as a hockey fan. I booed Gary Bettman.

The Habs fans had fun trashing the Leafs fans. I proudly stood with the gang and screamed at them and their bleu blanc et rouge. In fact, I lost my voice from yelling so much. We banged cheersticks. Endured the chants of 1967. And then….With the 7th selection in the 2009 entry draft, the Toronto Maple Leafs select…



Oh. That’s not Jared Cowen Uhm, uhhh panic….He can go to Phoenix still. The Coyotes select…Scott Glennie.


The Ottawa Senators select…oh god oh god oh god. I am going to puke.



At this point I am sobbing and shrieking OH GOD NO! I’m seriously happy for the kid, but he went to the Sens. Everyone apologized for this happening. And I was still in tears and trying not to vomit. I was sulking, threatening to toss myself off the balcony in the Bell. I wanted to drink Drain-0 and slash my wrists with razor blades. No, not the Sens.

its blurry because I was shaking from crying.

it's blurry because I was shaking from crying.

At this point I didnt care about the rest of the draft. Obviously I take my junior hockey seriously and I care about my boys.

Oh look it’s Roberto Luongo doing the pick for the Canucks…

yes he was luod

yes he was "luo'd"

The draft is exciting but draining to watch. We’d eagerly await trades to happens, something new. We staggered out of the Bell at 11pm. And who do we see walking across the street; Brian Burke. We all yelled things at him, and cheered. I yelled “You’s a pimpppp Burkie!” I got the chin nod. Once again we hit more bars. I met Greg Wyshynski, he called me Curl! And Scotty Wazz. Both were the nicest dudes ever. I bought the boys Jaegr Bombs. It needed to be done. Oh and I ran into Bill Peters. I told him I was happy for Cow Cow but I wanted him to go to the Leafs. But it’s good he went to a Canadian team so he will be well loved.

Oh! Important! Luke Schenn got a haircut and Archi sent me screengrabs;



But I liked his hair longgggg. But gawddamn does he look like a stud. I miss the Leafs. I miss the Chiefs. I need hockey.

I also did the Face Off Hockey Show with Scotty Wazz and Company. Wysh even dropped in for that too. That will be posted sometime soonish and I will share. Even though for it I didn’t have much of a voice and sorta sounded like Lindsay Lohan. The guys were wonderfully hilarious and for some reason they let me chip in.

I had such a wonderful time in Montreal. The draft was unreal and everyone was so freaking nice. They couldn’t believe I really came all the way from Spokane. Well I diddddd. I can’t wait until the next one so we can do it all over again. I hear it’s either Minnesota or Philly? Either way I am game. The boys were wonderful and took great care of me and paid for my stuff far too much. I met some crazy cats like GrossMisconduct, Travis and FrankD.

And now for a pic spam. Obviously we had tons of fun.

Chemmy and SkinnyFish are gangsters.

eyebleaf, jaredoflondon

eyebleaf, jaredoflondon

crazy islander fan and ppp

crazy islander fan and ppp

archi and alix

archi and alix

leaf drinks to nasty nazem.

'leaf drinks to nasty nazem. note my insanely red eyes.

frankd and chemmy are uhhh whatever?

frankd and chemmy are uhhh whatever?

archi is exceptionally handsome.

archi is exceptionally handsome.

32 ounces of mojito. I drank many of these according my tab.

32 ounces of mojito. I drank many of these according my tab.

Thanks Montreal, it’s been real.

Love and kisses,


27 thoughts on “this one time, I went to Canada…

  1. Wow. Just wow. This is the best bunch of pics I’ve seen. You nailed it. Thanks for booing Bettman. Hope it was really loud.

  2. We let you on the show because you bring a much needed perspective to the show when you come on. But glad you had a great time in Montreal and it was a trip to finally met you– good times for sure.

  3. I did my part as a hockey fan. I booed Gary Bettman.

    And the entire world (Except MLB, they’re afraid he might try to come back when he gets fired) thanks you.

  4. This entire post, trip, weekend gets filed under “Greatest. Thing. Ever.”

    I’ll tell you all about how jealous I am at a later date. I’m glad you all survived and made it to your respective town alive.

  5. Anytime a bar has a brick wall interior, it’s classy enough for me. That and mixed drinks in pitchers. Goodness, I miss Montreal.

  6. Dear goodness. That was well worth the money. BEST. TIME. EVER. I’m telling you right now, I love Leafs fans for life. Nicest peeps ever.

  7. I am so glad to know one of those boos I heard while sitting on my couch in front of the tv was yours! I thought for sure Cowcow would go to the Leafs. I am enormously jealous of your adventure in Canadaland!

  8. I knew you would have a blast!!! Did you bring back something Canadian for me???? ketchup chippies????? I still can’t get over the fact that of all places in the world, you ran in to good ole’ Billy.

  9. Wrap, I really wish I hadn’t read this post or seen the pictures because now I am insanely jealous of you guys.

    Be sure to invite me next time!

  10. Cowen to the sens….well now you know how I feel about Despres to the fucking Penguins. Guaranfuckinteed they pick my favorite fucking players every year. I should become a scout for the penguins. Apparently we have the same taste in hockey players….but I HATE the penguins.

  11. I thought Phoenix would have drafted Cowen. I was a bit disappointed as I knew nothing about Ekman-Larsson and from reading your blog I felt I knew Cowen.

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